When did it become acceptable to charge $15 dollars for a cocktail? Unless your fifteen-dollar cocktail is rimmed with gold flakes and filled with a magical self-esteem potion, then you have lost your damn mind. Oh, and don’t give me this ‘it’s a specialty cocktail’ B.S. In my opinion ALL COCKTAILS are special, and there is nothing stopping you from making your own ’specialty cocktail’ at home, so here is one to get you started.

What you’ll need:

1 can of lychees

½ cup of the lychee syrup

¼ cup of coconut milk

1 cup crushed ice

½ or ¾ cup of Triple Sec (depending on how strong you like it!)

Directions:

Mix all ingredients in a blender until you get a frappe consistency.

Bottoms up!

I love the fair. Live stock, belly shirts, and Ferris wheels.

As far as I am concerned that is pretty much the formula for a good time…it’s just missing one thing…the piece de resistance of the fair formula of fun…THE CHURRO.

Is it a donut? A Mexican coffee accompaniment? Something invented by the spice company that makes cinnamon as way to increase sales? Who cares! Let’s make these bad boys!

When you think of churros, the word complicated comes to mind. As it turns out these Spanish little treats are not that hard to make. The key to making great churros is the oil temperature.

What you need:

• 2 teaspoons of Sunflower oil
• 1 cup of all- purpose flour, sifted
• 1/4 tsp of salt
• oil deep for frying

Boil a cup of water along with the sunflower oil and salt. Add the flour and stir constantly until a smooth dough forms.

Heat the oil until it reaches 350°F.

Transfer the dough into a pastry bag with a star-shaped tip.

Make long strips of dough in the oil and cook until browned.

Remove the strips from the oil and place on paper towels to drain excess oil.

Sprinkle with sugar, and enjoy!

To make them a little more interesting, try injecting them with melted Nutella or milk chocolate.

(Cooking syringes are available for purchase online or at most food specialty stores).

If I am going to have to lie to my trainer* about eating bread, you better bet your ass that I am eating it with butter. I assume bread and butter to be a dietary luxury for dinner party guests as well, so I figured I better make it extra snazzy.

If you’re looking for a jazzed up way of serving butter this is the perfect little trick:

Wrap softened butter in rose petals (any color) and place in the refrigerator for a few minutes until chilled.

The rose petals act as little vessels while infusing the butter with the fragrant scent of the rose.

Remove the petals from the fridge and serve!

* Steve if you are reading this I just want to say…THAT I AM NOT SORRY! I don’t want to live in your carb free world of perfect abs. As as long as we are being honest with each other, every time you leave me at the end of a work out to do cardio on the honor system…I don’t honor it! I like bread and hate running…sue me.

There is a point in ones life when you realize you know absolutely nothing and all you want is someone who will tell you what to do. I am there!

Unfortunately, I decided to name my website ‘Things Your Mother Never Taught You’ which implies that I know something…that even your Mother doesn’t know.  So if I were to tell you that my kid just puked on me (sans a burp cloth on my shoulder), I am late turning in my ‘homework’ for work, I haven’t slept in a really long time and all I want is somebody to teach me how to ‘do it all’ you would have to say maybe you should start by renaming your website ‘You shoulda listened to your Mother when she taught you how to do all these things!’  Here are three things she did teach me that have saved my know-it-all ass in the last few days while being in trenches with my 5 week old daughter.

1. Fresh cut flowers in the entry way and Frank Sinatra music make any house feel sophisticated. Try it the next time you have people over and you have no time to do anything else. Porn on the T.V. and heavy metal has the opposite effect… if that’s what you’re going for.

2. If there is a couch there should be a blanket on or near it. It is just a good rule and encourages snuggling, cuddling, and impromptu napping.  The napping is key with the new baby…coincidentally the snuggling from the blanket/couch rule might have lead to the activities that got the baby here in the first place and now makes the naps necessary. Hey Chicken or egg?  Your call.

3. Put a pitcher of juice out on the counter in the summer. It is to this season as the fireplace is to winter. Here is my favorite recipe for summer juice… which I would normally put vodka in but I cannot find a doctor (even one who got their medical degree in the Caribbean) to say that is ok to do while nursing a newborn.

Mint lemonade :

1 cup of fresh squeezed lemon juice

1 handful of mint

2 quarts of water

1 cup of super fine sugar

2 lemons thinly sliced

Mix all ingredients and place in pitcher and enjoy all day long.

I would like to make an announcement…I have the smartest child on the planet. There is no hard evidence with which to back up this claim, more of gut feeling, but at any moment I am pretty sure Harvard is going to call and offer her spot in the 2011 class.  She is also quite gifted in the kitchen. This morning I made haystacks and when I stopped pouring the butterscotch chips into the bowl she let out a large burp which I interpreted as a “put more butterscotch in there, Lady” so I did…and it was a better finished project because of it.  I am just saying….

Here is the a recipe for Haystackies written in part by my daughter.

G-E-N-I-U-S. —————->

What you’ll Need:

1 bag butterscotch chips 

1 bag of milk chocolate chips

4 cups of chow mien noodles

1/2 cup of peanut butter

1 teaspoon teaspoon of cinnamon 

1 teaspoon of vanilla

Directions:

1. Place the peanut butter and butter scotch in the microwave for one minute (the butterscotch will only be partially melted)

2. Mix in vanilla and cinnamon

3. Stir in chow mien noodles and chocolate chips

4. Dump spoon size chunks onto a wax paper lined cookie sheet and place in the freezer for 45 minutes

5. Make sure no one whose opinion about you matters is in the general vicinity

6. Lick the bowl 

7. Lick the spoon

8. Remove the haystackies from the freezer and allow to adjust to room temperature 

9. EAT!

10.  ENJOY!

Everywhere you look this summer people are drooling over cupcakes- waiting hours to get their hands on some Sprinkles, swapping their traditional tiers for wedding cupcakes and even good ol Baskin Robbins is now offering ice cream shaped cupcakes.  Here at Things Your Mother Never Taught You, we like to think outside the box or in this case, outside the pan, so today I bring you the Ice Cream Cone Cupcake.  It’s a cupcake baked into an ice cream cone (and it’s awesome). If anyone is interested here are a couple more things I would like to see in combo…

1- The all chocolate-sit on your couch and lose weight diet

2- The No-hangover double vodka martini

3-The self esteem building drunk dial…which usually follows the No-hangover martini…;)

Click here to learn how to make an Ice Cream Cone Cupcake.  In the meantime I’ll work on these other gems in my laboratory kitchen.

Look, I want to like watching Soccer, the guys are HOT and the whole Euro undercurrent feels very sophisticated.  But mostly I just don’t want to be some Cheesy American who says ‘The World Cup is on?  Is that a big deal?”  But I’ve got to be honest, to me it is like a hockey game with no prospect of someone getting the shit kicked out of them.  The chance of seeing more than a few goals is slim to none and Mama needs more action than that. So in typical default mode I feel food or liquor will spice it up a bit for me…so I share with you now a little thing called Game Day Fondue(click for video)…serve it with over priced European beer and you will practically feel like you are at the football* match.

*Look who’s catching on!!!!

Having a new baby at home is hands down the most fun I have ever had, but it leaves little time for anything else.  I am not going to lie to you, my personal hygiene is beginning to come into question due to my lack of time to shower. Whatever…hand sanitizer, deodorant, and a breath mint IS like a shower when you have a newborn.  That being said, ONE dish meals are my crack right now*.  They take less time to prepare, have less clean up, and allow me to shove food down my throat in between ‘nap times’ that actually resembles a real meal.  Here is one of favorites…Shepards Pie.

*PLEASE do not write me telling me how crack is bad for the baby or how crack references are insensitive or how your friend who is a recovering crackhead is offended by my joke. I haven’t slept and I have no patience for people who do not find crack jokes funny even if they are an easy way out.  

If you want to lose all sense of personal dignity you can throw some gravy on this puppy. I warn you you will not feel real great about yourself…but you will probably go into a food coma so you won’t even be awake to acknowledge your low self esteem.

To my dear friends and readers of Things Your Mother Never Taught You:

Thank you for your patience over the last couple of days, as many of you know we had a beautiful, healthy and perfect little baby girl last week.   We’re just getting to know each other and settle into our lives together, but expect posting to resume over the next few days.

Thanks again for all the love and support.  My cup truly runneth over.

Love,

Brooke Peterson

Everybody needs a season changer. You know a little something something that lets you celebrate the different moods of the year.  My season changer for summer used to be busting out the super short dresses and bottle of self tanner, but lets be honest no one wants to see a 9 month pregnant lady trying to ‘bring the sexy’ into summer.  So I have found this years season changer and because it has gotten me as many compliments as my inappropriate summer dresses got me dates I am sharing it with the Things Your Mother Never Taught You sisterhood.

This little straw black and cream Havana hat goes with everything! I have been wearing it with jeans and tees, casual dresses, and sometimes naked while singing Michael Jackson in my bathroom but that is not really a fashion play…more of a personal thing.  Here is the real kicker… it is less than 10 bucks and available online from Forever 21.

p.s. Hats, like men, are tricky. I wore this sparkly hat for an entire evening and no one said anything. Generally I would say that this evidence negates my ability to make a valid recommendation on hats, however I am so confident in the Havana hat that it overrides my obvious previous poor headgear record.