There is a point in ones life when you realize you know absolutely nothing and all you want is someone who will tell you what to do. I am there!

Unfortunately, I decided to name my website ‘Things Your Mother Never Taught You’ which implies that I know something…that even your Mother doesn’t know.  So if I were to tell you that my kid just puked on me (sans a burp cloth on my shoulder), I am late turning in my ‘homework’ for work, I haven’t slept in a really long time and all I want is somebody to teach me how to ‘do it all’ you would have to say maybe you should start by renaming your website ‘You shoulda listened to your Mother when she taught you how to do all these things!’  Here are three things she did teach me that have saved my know-it-all ass in the last few days while being in trenches with my 5 week old daughter.

1. Fresh cut flowers in the entry way and Frank Sinatra music make any house feel sophisticated. Try it the next time you have people over and you have no time to do anything else. Porn on the T.V. and heavy metal has the opposite effect… if that’s what you’re going for.

2. If there is a couch there should be a blanket on or near it. It is just a good rule and encourages snuggling, cuddling, and impromptu napping.  The napping is key with the new baby…coincidentally the snuggling from the blanket/couch rule might have lead to the activities that got the baby here in the first place and now makes the naps necessary. Hey Chicken or egg?  Your call.

3. Put a pitcher of juice out on the counter in the summer. It is to this season as the fireplace is to winter. Here is my favorite recipe for summer juice… which I would normally put vodka in but I cannot find a doctor (even one who got their medical degree in the Caribbean) to say that is ok to do while nursing a newborn.

Mint lemonade :

1 cup of fresh squeezed lemon juice

1 handful of mint

2 quarts of water

1 cup of super fine sugar

2 lemons thinly sliced

Mix all ingredients and place in pitcher and enjoy all day long.

I would like to make an announcement…I have the smartest child on the planet. There is no hard evidence with which to back up this claim, more of gut feeling, but at any moment I am pretty sure Harvard is going to call and offer her spot in the 2011 class.  She is also quite gifted in the kitchen. This morning I made haystacks and when I stopped pouring the butterscotch chips into the bowl she let out a large burp which I interpreted as a “put more butterscotch in there, Lady” so I did…and it was a better finished project because of it.  I am just saying….

Here is the a recipe for Haystackies written in part by my daughter.

G-E-N-I-U-S. —————->

What you’ll Need:

1 bag butterscotch chips 

1 bag of milk chocolate chips

4 cups of chow mien noodles

1/2 cup of peanut butter

1 teaspoon teaspoon of cinnamon 

1 teaspoon of vanilla

Directions:

1. Place the peanut butter and butter scotch in the microwave for one minute (the butterscotch will only be partially melted)

2. Mix in vanilla and cinnamon

3. Stir in chow mien noodles and chocolate chips

4. Dump spoon size chunks onto a wax paper lined cookie sheet and place in the freezer for 45 minutes

5. Make sure no one whose opinion about you matters is in the general vicinity

6. Lick the bowl 

7. Lick the spoon

8. Remove the haystackies from the freezer and allow to adjust to room temperature 

9. EAT!

10.  ENJOY!

Everywhere you look this summer people are drooling over cupcakes- waiting hours to get their hands on some Sprinkles, swapping their traditional tiers for wedding cupcakes and even good ol Baskin Robbins is now offering ice cream shaped cupcakes.  Here at Things Your Mother Never Taught You, we like to think outside the box or in this case, outside the pan, so today I bring you the Ice Cream Cone Cupcake.  It’s a cupcake baked into an ice cream cone (and it’s awesome). If anyone is interested here are a couple more things I would like to see in combo…

1- The all chocolate-sit on your couch and lose weight diet

2- The No-hangover double vodka martini

3-The self esteem building drunk dial…which usually follows the No-hangover martini…;)

Click here to learn how to make an Ice Cream Cone Cupcake.  In the meantime I’ll work on these other gems in my laboratory kitchen.

Look, I want to like watching Soccer, the guys are HOT and the whole Euro undercurrent feels very sophisticated.  But mostly I just don’t want to be some Cheesy American who says ‘The World Cup is on?  Is that a big deal?”  But I’ve got to be honest, to me it is like a hockey game with no prospect of someone getting the shit kicked out of them.  The chance of seeing more than a few goals is slim to none and Mama needs more action than that. So in typical default mode I feel food or liquor will spice it up a bit for me…so I share with you now a little thing called Game Day Fondue(click for video)…serve it with over priced European beer and you will practically feel like you are at the football* match.

*Look who’s catching on!!!!

Having a new baby at home is hands down the most fun I have ever had, but it leaves little time for anything else.  I am not going to lie to you, my personal hygiene is beginning to come into question due to my lack of time to shower. Whatever…hand sanitizer, deodorant, and a breath mint IS like a shower when you have a newborn.  That being said, ONE dish meals are my crack right now*.  They take less time to prepare, have less clean up, and allow me to shove food down my throat in between ‘nap times’ that actually resembles a real meal.  Here is one of favorites…Shepards Pie.

*PLEASE do not write me telling me how crack is bad for the baby or how crack references are insensitive or how your friend who is a recovering crackhead is offended by my joke. I haven’t slept and I have no patience for people who do not find crack jokes funny even if they are an easy way out.  

If you want to lose all sense of personal dignity you can throw some gravy on this puppy. I warn you you will not feel real great about yourself…but you will probably go into a food coma so you won’t even be awake to acknowledge your low self esteem.

To my dear friends and readers of Things Your Mother Never Taught You:

Thank you for your patience over the last couple of days, as many of you know we had a beautiful, healthy and perfect little baby girl last week.   We’re just getting to know each other and settle into our lives together, but expect posting to resume over the next few days.

Thanks again for all the love and support.  My cup truly runneth over.

Love,

Brooke Peterson

Everybody needs a season changer. You know a little something something that lets you celebrate the different moods of the year.  My season changer for summer used to be busting out the super short dresses and bottle of self tanner, but lets be honest no one wants to see a 9 month pregnant lady trying to ‘bring the sexy’ into summer.  So I have found this years season changer and because it has gotten me as many compliments as my inappropriate summer dresses got me dates I am sharing it with the Things Your Mother Never Taught You sisterhood.

This little straw black and cream Havana hat goes with everything! I have been wearing it with jeans and tees, casual dresses, and sometimes naked while singing Michael Jackson in my bathroom but that is not really a fashion play…more of a personal thing.  Here is the real kicker… it is less than 10 bucks and available online from Forever 21.

p.s. Hats, like men, are tricky. I wore this sparkly hat for an entire evening and no one said anything. Generally I would say that this evidence negates my ability to make a valid recommendation on hats, however I am so confident in the Havana hat that it overrides my obvious previous poor headgear record. 

All White, All the Time (coincidentally also Arizona’s new state motto)!  

The guest room of most folks houses tends to be the ‘all the old shit that isn’t good enough for the rest of us to use on a daily basis’ catch all room. If you are fortunate enough to have a guest room and to have people who actually want to be a guest in your house or if your partner is a snorer and you end up spending almost every night sleeping in the guest room because he refuses to address this problem with his doctor and instead insists that you are making it up (oh yeah because you know what I like to do is make up stuff that forces me to drag my ass from our nice comfy bed at 2 in the morning into the super cold guest room with the bad mattress).**

Wait, where was I,  oh yes, I would like to give you a quick tip to making this room FABULOUS!  Make your guest room ALL WHITE.  It seems like a pretty simple concept but trust me it works wonders! Here is the simplest way to do it:

-Dedicate a Saturday morning to get this all done.  Saturday mornings are the best time to hit up a few garage sales to get some of the big pieces you’ll need, head board, side tables, benches, etc. 

-White out your all your pieces.  Use a couple different methods of painting depending on what floats your boat. I like to hand paint a few pieces and spray paint a few. If you have a question about what will work best on each piece ASK the guy/gal at the paint counter when you go to pick up your supplies. It is like asking me what you can do with a box of cake mix…it turns me on.

-Now its time to do your soft goods: sheets, curtains, rugs, ect. Here are my suggestions if you want to blow your own mind on what a budget keepin’ bee-otch you can be.

a. Sheets-Ross Dress for Less and TJ Maxx

b. Rugs and Lighting -IKEA 

c. Curtains- Target and IKEA

-Put all together! The room pictured here gives you an idea of gorgeous this look can be when done well. Granted this image is from Elle Décor but it illustrates the way white makes everything feels cohesive. 

** Get a Breath Right strip DAMMIT! You know who you are!

In life some things ARE black and white:

-Oreo’s

-Zebras

 -Arizona’s new immigration laws which are blatantly racist and hateful…. What?  Take a joke Republican Readers**!

If you are looking to fill up a big wall space in your house on the cheap try the black and white wall.  A black and white book of photography will go a LONG way. These books can be a little pricy but one of these books is usually cheaper than the least expensive piece of art you can find commercially and will fill a lot more space.  

Target now offers frames that have mats inside them. Fanfreakintastic!

If you want to avoid a lot of the headache of hanging multiple pictures and give yourself the option of rearranging and adding in pieces as you add to your collection try using shelves. 

**2 words not often found next to each other. Oh Shazam!

Those of you who are not within in a ten mile radius of me may not know that I am just a few short days away from having a little girl! Those of you who are within a ten-mile radius have heard me bitch at some point in the last nine months…I am loud and not prone to ‘keepin my complaints to myself’.  Since this site is named ‘Things Your Mother Never Taught You’ I have been thinking a lot about what I want to teach my little lady and I think ‘GIRLS RULE’ pretty much sums it up! Here are some of the things I know… a public letter to my unborn daughter:

1. You can bake a cake AND run a boardroom my darling little girl. You can wear a tank top from old navy whilst wearing pants from Gucci. You can read Bronte one night and watch American Idol the next. Don’t let people tell you life is either/or…it can be BOTH!

2. Be a girl’s girl. PERIOD. 

3. There are more brilliant women on this planet than you will ever find time to read, listen to, watch, learn from, or emulate…but that sure as hell doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to seek them out.

4. Listen to wise women, here are a few to start with:

CHARLOTTE WHITTON: Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

MARGARET THATCHER: If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.

GLORIA STEINEM: Any woman who chooses to behave like a full human being should be warned that the armies of the status quo will treat her as something of a dirty joke. That’s their natural and first weapon. She will need her sisterhood.

JACQUELINE KENNEDY ONASSIS:  I am a woman above everything else.

So in the honor of my future President/Teacher/Artist/Rocket Scientist/ or whatever she chooses to be daughter…I give you a the first cake recipe my mama ever taught me and some words of wisdom from brilliant ladies because in life I believe you can have your cake…and eat it too.  Roma’s Pineapple Upside Down Cake…The Jr. Version!

Ingredients:

1. Box of vanilla cake mix

2. 3 eggs

3. ¼ cup vegetable oil

4. ½ cup of citrus soda (sprite or 7-up works like a dream)

5. 1 can pineapple slices with juice set aside

6. 1 bottle of maraschino cherries

Directions:

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees 

2. Line the bottom of a non-stick cake pan with pineapple slices and place a cherry in the middle of each slice. This is a great cake to use a casserole dish for so that you have maximum surface area for pineapple slice. If you use a casserole dish ya gotta non-stick spray the hell out of it so your cake slips out like butta when you flip it over. 

3. Mix cake mix, pineapple juice from the can, soda, vegetable oil, and eggs together and whisk for a few minutes until there are no lumps. 

4. Pour over pineapple slices and toss into the oven for about 30 minutes depending on the depth of your pan. The guide on the back of the cake box is pretty accurate. 

5. Let cake coolio and flip that puppy over onto the serving dish of your choosing.

Extra Credit- mix a little rum with some whip cream to garnish the cake for serving.

Finally, I don’t have a lot of rules for you my dear daughter but this (see pic) will NOT be happening at our casa…just so you have fair warning. There is a time and place for dressing like a hussy and trying new things and it’s called college.

Love,

Mom

** My actual favorite things are naughty time with Daddy and liquor but that didn’t sound as good as the title ‘Cakes and Babies’.