It is the circle of life, and for the turkey, it is coming to a close. I feel for you, my friend, as I am mostly appreciated for my breasts as well. It’s a tough calling card but someone has to do it. LET’S BAKE A BIRD.

For Da Bird!!!

Allow one pound per person plus 2, which will give you a decent amount of leftovers. So for this 10-person extravaganza, pick your turkey-toting ass up a twelve-pounder.

-2 cups orange juice

-3 cups of beer…I like a nice hiefeweisen

-12 pound turkey

-1/2 cup honey

-1/2 cup butter…this is NO time to count calories… get on board fatty

-2 cups of fresh herbs (I usually do rosemary, sage, mint and basil)

-I whole head of garlic chopped in half

-1 orange cut in quarters

-1 lemon cut in half

Seasoning Mix

- 2 tablespoons salt

- 3 tablespoons brown sugar

- 2 tablespoons course black pepper

Assuming your bird is of the frozen persuasion, you need to put it in the fridge right now!!! It takes two days to defrost that portly little 12-pounder (basically 24 hrs per 5 pounds). Put it in a basting pan to catch any liquid… Unless you are planning on giving salmonella as a party favor, LEAVE THE PLASTIC WRAP ON. Once Big Bird is defrosted, you are ready to begin.

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees.

2. Check to make sure oven is preheated to 325… At least one time in your domesticated life you will forget to turn on the oven so walk your sexy self back over there and check the freakin’ ON switch!

3. Remove your bird from the plastic and clean out all the insides. Some people keep these and cook with them. Totally foul if you ask me. Toss those turkey guts.

4. Marinate the turkey in the beer and orange juice for an hour. Save one cup of the marinade.

5. Place turkey into roasting pan and stuff with the herbs, lemon, orange, and garlic.

6. Coat the outside of the turkey generously with butter and then drizzle with honey.

7. Sprinkle with all the seasoning mix and make sure that baby is well coated.

8. Pop it in the roasting pan and add the marinade juice to the bottom.

9. Cover with heavy duty aluminum foil and bake for an hour and half.

10. Remove aluminum foil and baste with juices in the pan and cook for another hour and half.

11. ALWAYS let turkey stand for at least 20 minutes before carving

Look who just made a turkey!!! Call your mother-in-law and tell her you CAN cook and that you are NOT a cheap tramp! Ok well at least tell her you can cook.

It’s the Final Countdown… Dunna na na Da da da da da… Final countdown… It’s a week away! It’s a week away! It’s a week away!

THANKSGIVING!!!!

I am not spending it with my family so I can leave the valium and vodka at home. Or, at least the valium. I am, however, spending it with my partner-in-crime’s gianormous Jewish family. They’re not what you would call the Q.W.T. (quiet waspy type). And, since I am an overbearing Jewish mother’s worst nightmare (blonde, big rack and even bigger mouth… oh yeah, and a shiksa), I am going to be extra helpful on Thanksgiving, which works out well because I have Thanksgiving down to a science… a drunken, lethargic, tryptophan-induced, ‘God I will never eat this much again, OK just one more slice of pie’ science.

So, I thought for the next week here on Things Your Mother Never Taught You we would do a one week prep for the food superbowl otherwise known as Turkey Day.

Since we are a week out, today is going to be all about getting your bar in order. Why? Because liquor doesn’t go bad, and if your food goes to shit you can just over pour the cocktails until your uncle Bob starts getting handsy. Seriously Bob. It’s not ‘ok’ in Arkansas.  Put the mulled wine down and learn to hug appropriately.

At the seven-day mark in the T-Day countdown, this is the perfect time to make your infused vodka and for next week. I think that Cranberry Vodka sets the tone, plus it looks spectacular. Here’s what you have to know:

1. Grab 2 bags of cranberries, 1 pound cubed pineapple, and 2 quartered oranges and toss those puppies into your glass jug (use one with a spigot like the one pictured here.)

2. Dump two liters of cheap vodka on top and toss thee lid on thee jar. I like to play Russian techno music at this part and pretend to be a wild Ukrainian supermodel at secret underground dance club/distillery but it’s not really necessary for the vodka… More of a personal thing!

3. Put it on a counter out of direct sunlight and forget about it until next Thursday!

Your task today is done, you domestic goddess, you. Just follow my lead and we will have you all set for your day of thanks… You can thank me later.

P.S. Thanks to everyone who watched Rachael Ray yesterday. I made it five whole minutes on national T.V. without saying something inappropriate! Way to go BrookieP, way to go.

The holidays seem to be the time when people think its kosher to pull the old ‘We were in the neighborhood!’  B.S. and do an unannounced drop-by. To ease your pain, I have a little something you can keep on hand to feed these pests—I mean guests—before you get their ‘haven’t you ever heard of a phone’ asses out the door!

Goat Cheese Spread

- Combine four oz. goat cheese with 8 oz. ricotta and toss in a little salt, pepper, and garlic powder to taste. 

You spread this ridiculous goodness on crackers, baguette, or fruit and when your visitors-without-boundaries ask where you got this delectable spread, you can say ‘I learned how to make it at my cooking class that I am actually late for! Such a bummer that we all have to leave. If you would have CALLED beforehand I would have let you know, but at least ya got a little snack!’ …Or something a little less passive-aggressive. Your call!

Sometimes Mama just doesn’t have the time, money, or energy to do a full bar. My alternative has become making one signature cocktail in bulk… ‘cause my alcoholic friends are expensive and my food tastes better if you’re drunk! Here are three libations that are easy to make in bulk. I’m like a Costco of cocktails!

Vodka Mint Lemonade

1 can frozen lemonade concentrate
36 oz. citrus soda (Sprite, 7-up, Fresca)
1 quart of Vodka…yeah baby!
4 tablespoons chopped mint
Toss everything into a pitcher and throw a couple of cups of ice into that puppy. Garnish the glasses with a sprig of mint or lemon slice. If you are going big time do both ‘cause you are crazy like that!
Sangria

1 bottle cheap red wine
4 cups chopped fruit (lemons, oranges, limes, and stone fruits work best)
4 tablespoons brandy
Toss everything into the pitcher and throw it into the fridge for about 2 hours. Take it out and put in 4 cups of ice. Serve this baby up with a little orange garnish and pretend to be a hot Spanish chick for the rest of the evening.
Piña Colada

1 quart pre-made pina colada mixer
16 oz. of light rum (cheap kind ladies!)
3 tablespoon vanilla coffee creamer
1 small can diced pineapple
5 cups ice

Toss it all in the blender. While blending you will OBVIOUSLY sing ‘If you like pina coladas’. Serve your tropical orgasm in a glass and garnish this mofo with some pineapple.

Greet your guests with a classic… The Hot Toddy. They’re a cinch to make and will fill your home with warm hearts and happy faces. All you need is whiskey, lemons, cinnamon sticks, honey and hot water. CHEERS!

When you want the girls to come over so you can tell them all about the Date Night Salmon, here is the perfect salad to serve. It’s sweet and sour and fresh and so good for you… exactly what you had hoped the date would be.

Click here for the list of ingredients, preparation instructions and nutrition information.

Everyone needs at least one romantic dinner recipe up their sleeve. One that takes very little energy, so you can save all you have for later. In this episode Brooke whips up a salmon dish that will inspire you to cancel the dinner reservations and dine at your place tonight.

Click here for the list of ingredients, preparation instructions and nutrition information.

This dessert is a Cheap n Easy™ take on Tiramisu. Cookies, chocolate, and cream make an irresistible combination and it really couldn’t be any simpler.

Why give store-bought chocolates when it’s just as easy to make them from scratch? In this episode of Cheap n’ Easy™, you’ll learn to make truffles that you can flavor any way you like! It’s the perfect way to seal the deal on a night of romance.

Since you are probably getting all decked out for your date, we here at Cheap n’ Easy™ decided to deck out a can of Tomato soup. This recipe is perfect for a romantic dinner because of its beautiful pink color, and it couldn’t be any easier or taste any better!