I love red lipstick because it accomplishes so much with so little. For 5.99 a tube (danke, Loreal) you can put the sexy back in your step and make your bad self stand out at night—just ask any ‘working lady.’ It can leave a territorial marker on your mate—better than a golf club, Elin.* And now it can be used to decorate your abode. Just spell out holiday-appropriate words on mirrored surfaces around your casa and wait for “Oh my god, you’re, like, sooo creative!” compliments from your peeps.

* On a side note I would like to say that as a general policy Things Your Mother Never Taught You does not get involved in domestic disputes, but Tiger, you don’t cheat ON the hot Swedish nanny, you cheat WITH the hot Swedish nannny.

The Holidays are damn expensive. As if it’s not enough that I have to liquor up and feed everyone, all the extra little expenses can really add up. So, I would like to take this opportunity to say that, for the holidays, that I will not be giving gifts this year. In lieu of gifts, I have made a donation in each of your names to the Brooke Peterson Kick-Ass Shoe Fund. It is a charity that is near and dear to me, and I know you are all touched by my thoughtfulness and generosity. Just kidding, you greedy little brats. As usual, I will be cutting corners to save money for my Gifts and Presents Fund, and that means a trip to the dollar store.

DON’T YOU JUDGE ME! Yes, it smells like formaldehyde.  Yes, I sometimes get a weird eye infection when I leave there.* No, the person behind the counter usually does not have a full set of teeth, or strong understanding of personal hygiene, but these are my people, the dollar store peeps, and I will not abandon them.

Seriously though, if you want to get more bang for your buck than a Vietnamese call girl, the dollar store is your sweet spot for saving money this jingle bell season, because you need extra everything.  Here are my dollar store must-haves, table tips, and party favors… If you are going to risk an eye to save a buck, you better make it count.

1. This is the place to get all the crap that your neighborhood grocer enjoys bending you over and sticking it to you: Paper towels, extra t.p., clean-up supplies like Windex and Ajax… The only thing to stay away from is the garbage bags, because they are so weak that Mary Kate Olsen’s appetizer plate would cause them burst open.

2. Grab as many candles as you can afford, and at a dollar a piece, that should be plenty. You will use them as them all season, and when guests come over, as it is quicker to light a few candles than to run out for flowers.

3. Dishes. Sounds weird but these guys have gold chargers, porcelain bowls, wine glasses, etc. Look through your stock at home and see where you are sparse. Rule of thumb: I only buy white dishes, clear glass wear, and everything else in mixable colors like gold, silver, and taupe. It helps things look like they match even when they don’t. Plus, someone always ends up tanked and breaking shit, and if the victim dishware is not part of a set, it makes me less likely to act violently.

4. Centerpieces can be done here on the cheap. As a general rule, I only buy foodstuffs for display from here, but they do cheap bags of lemons, oranges, and cranberries for simple and chic pieces. I also like to do giant bags of colorful dollar store candy to place in large glass containers on the kids’ tables at holiday events. Have containers on hand to turn said candy display into take-home party favors.

5. I have found that giving gifts in bags from the Hustler store takes away from the “specialness” of the season. You can load up on wrapping supplies at the dollar store and keep them in a drawer… Viola, girl has herself a holiday wrapping center!

6. Last but not least, this is where you should pick up all those pesky little ball ornaments that break EVERY DAMN YEAR! They add pizzazz to your holiday decor, and when they are this cheap, you can come up lots of fun way to display them!

That’s a nice starter list for you bargain hunting bitches. See ya tomorrow, same time, same place… unless I find something better to do.

*To be fair to the store that has given me so much at such a discount, I have a bad habit of rubbing my eyes and only a total freakin’ moron goes with in 100 yards of that place with out industrial hand sanitizer. I learned my lesson on the 3^rd infection. I ain’t one of those ‘quick learners.’

Even though my site is called Things Your Mother Never Taught You, I have to admit that I learned almost everything I know from my mother. Wait, that’s not true. I learned how to do everything ‘the right way’ from my mother. I would then take said lessons and cut every possible corner from time to money, and do it the ‘Oh (insert sigh here) Honey’ way. I once pulled out hot glue to hem my pants, and by her reaction, you would’ve thought that I’d tied off and shot myself up with heroine while simultaneously making internet porn and clubbing baby seals.

That being said, even she had some tricks to getting your festive on for the holidays without climbing a god damn ladder or using anything inflatable resembling a turkey, pilgrim, or a cornucopia (which, let’s just be honest, always ends up looking like a penis with a spray tan that curves slightly to the left.) One of my Mom’s signature moves was decorating with candlelight. I think our Mormon neighbors thought we were holding a seance every time T-day rolled around. Which, in my mother’s own words, “is fine because people who don’t believe in happy hour are not to be trusted.” On both points, I agree with mama… Yes to candles, yes to happy hour.

Here are my Mom’s best tips and rules for lighting up your pied-à-terre. In the words of my utterly fantastic mentor and mother, Roma Peterson, who is no longer with us, “Look alive baby girl! This is the fun stuff!”

These are Roma’s Rules:

1. People focus on the entryway to your house, and on the dining table. Start at the entryway with luminaries. Grab a handful of lunch bags and fill the bottom of each one with an inch of sand. Place a tea light inside and viola you got yourself a fancy lit up walk way. Do not be a moron and put these inside unless you want to your casa to go up in flames.

2. In the entryway, if you want something singular with a lot of ‘Wow’ factor, try doing glass containers filled with water and floating candles. If you can’t find floating candles, you can float regular pillar candles in cranberries.

3. Tabletops are always best done with candles with two reasons:  First, everyone looks better by candlelight. Some people should never be shown in high definition T.V., and the same applies for the halogen lighting in your dining room. Your Aunt Kate’s ‘natural lip enhancement’ will still look like Lisa Rinna after a hard night, but it will be more bearable in the amber glow of candlelight. Trust me. The second reason for candles on the table is that they make unbelievable chic and cheap centerpieces. Some of my favorite ways to use them: Write letters on them for sayings, hang them from branches in small mason jars, and tuck tea lights into fruits and pumpkins.

Hold on to your Santa hats, folks… Someone allowed me on national television. So today on Rachael Ray you can catch me giving Holiday tips and tricks, and here’s one of my favorites.

For those of you who are little short on holiday decorations, you can let those annoying ‘oh my god look at how cute we are in our matching sweaters’ card people make themselves useful.

1. Grab some string, ribbon, or twine and tie it between two objects at least a 1 ½  feet apart. I like festive vases. Or tie it from end to end of your fireplace mantle.

2. Pick your bad-ass holiday decorating self up some clothes pins (laundry aisle of the grocery store) and put some ‘jazz hands’ on ‘em. Which basically means, glue whatever you’ve got on hand to the top of the clothes pin. I like the little blue snowflakes pictured here because a retarded monkey could cut them out of any paper you have on hand. But, of course, feel free to go wild. This project is an acceptable time to bust out the glitter. On a side note if you are a stripper anytime is an appropriate time to bust out the glitter… Every job has it perks, ladies!

3. Clip cards to your clothesline. Only put up the attractive people though. What? Too far? Nope. Just right.

Hope ya’all catch the show today and thanks in advance for all the nice flowers, notes, cards, chocolates, subscriptions to the Wine of the Month Club, and envelopes stuffed with cash that you sent as congratulatory gifts.

It’s true, black is the new black. Every ‘it girl’ on the planet seems to be bitch-slappin’ some noir lacquer up in their abode. It has always been against the rules to paint interiors black because ‘Franz the decorator’ said ‘but darling it makes the space seem teensy weensy.’ Well, guess what Franz? Apparently you can suck it because it doesn’t make spaces seem small and claustrophobic—it actually makes it them feel cozy and sexy. I like it in unexpected places like the bathroom or kitchen a la Kelly Werstler. For those of you who want to dip your toe in the can, as they say, try it above your fireplace for a trial run. 

Need a quick gift? Food tasting bland? Want a great decoration for your kitchen counter? In this episode of Cheap n Easy™ we’ll meet three needs with one bottle of flavored olive oil.

Brooke tells KTLA Morning News how to throw the perfect Oscars party with recipes for Ahi Tuna Salsa, Baby BLTs, Crock Pot Sausage Appetizers, Tortilla Pinwheels, Coconut Fondue, plus decorating ideas!

Why not start things where you want to end them?… On the floor! (HA HA) In this episode of C n’ E, Brooke shows you how to set up romantic indoor picnic with flowers and all—in way that won’t break your bank!

For the KTLA Morning News, Brooke coaches viewers on how to put together her Green Bean Casserole, Chicken in a Blanket, Apple Cobbler and some smart decorating ideas for the perfect Easter Brunch.