Holiday Parties are good times for two reasons: Egg nog and Mistletoe. Usually eggnog is the catalyst for mistletoe mania, but what if you are Mormon, Baptist, or Amish and there is no liquor available at your shindig? Well then obviously you will have to use sex appeal to get ya some. And that means…

COCKTAIL DRESSES!!!

Here are the BrookieP tricks of the trade. Let us begin.

1. This is the most artistic freedom you are entitled to all year in terms of ‘fancy dress,’ and to let that go to waste would be a shame. Big bows? Generally not appropriate for a thirty-year-old woman unless you are playing naughty schoolgirl with your significant other—but for the holidays, bring it on! Bedazzles, beads, and feathers are also acceptable for holidays ladieswear… and for guest appearances on Dancing with the Stars, with no gender specifications.

2. If you are poor, buy one fabulous black dress, and killer bright shoes, and clutches in two colors.  If you are really poor, buy wraps in two different colors instead of the shoe/clutch scenario to get two uses for your cocktail dress. If you are really really poor, buy the tightest cocktail dress you can find and someone will eventually buy your accessories for you. I am not advocating prostitution so please don’t send me angry emails… it’s a joke… kinda.

3. The Holiday Dress should be sexy, not slutty… you know who you are. If you bend over and it looks like a Georgia O’Keefe painting leave it for ‘club night.’ This is also not the time to go sans bra and panties… you also know who you are. Which brings me to the most important message for today: Your cocktail dress is not about the actual dress—it’s about showing off your kick-ass bod, and since none of us were born perfect (Victoria’s Secret Bitches excluded) invest in two things before all else… Spanx and chicken cutlets. These shape wear garments will suck you in, and the silicone booby inserts are about as much of a personal guarantee as I give to get yourself some holiday tonsil hockey.

I love these party dresses below, which are available at edressme.com.

May you find a dress this season that makes you feel fabulous, sisters!