Every time I walk into the Saks 5^th Avenue beauty department I feel as if there must be some undiscovered elixir, cream, or cleanser that will most definitely make me more desirable. Just when one of the snooty little ladies behind the counter convinces me that she knows what “it” is, and that it is worth a second mortgage on my home to buy said cream, I snap back to reality and whip out my iPod, blast me some Christina Aguilera ‘Beautiful’ while I mosey on home shaking my ass extra hard near construction zones in hopes of a cat call to really seal the deal.

But alas one still needs a bit o’face wash and I have found this little recipe makes a great one!

Packed with anti-oxidants, the elderberry is a small but mighty berry often used as an anti-inflammatory.

What you’ll need:

6oz. Unscented base cleanser

½ Organic Cucumber

8 drops of Elderberry Extract

5 drops of Grapefruit Essential Oil

Directions:

Chop the cucumber and puree it in a blender. Strain to get rid of the seeds. In a container of your choice add the base cleanser, cucumber liquid, elderberry extract, and grapefruit oil. Mix to incorporate and cleanse away!

This cleanser is perishable, so make sure you store it in the fridge!

I am with a man whose family does not drink. Yes the universe has a sense of humor*.

I can’t really say ‘Hey guys! Do you want some water…with your water?’

These jazzy little ice cubes dress up anything including water for my in-laws.

Directions:

Fill an ice cube tray with water half way and add any of the following to brighten up any drink!

- Crystallized Ginger

- Rose Petals

-Lemon/Orange peel

-Mint

- Fresh berries

*Gotta be honest with you ‘Universe’…not that funny to me.

When did it become acceptable to charge $15 dollars for a cocktail? Unless your fifteen-dollar cocktail is rimmed with gold flakes and filled with a magical self-esteem potion, then you have lost your damn mind. Oh, and don’t give me this ‘it’s a specialty cocktail’ B.S. In my opinion ALL COCKTAILS are special, and there is nothing stopping you from making your own ’specialty cocktail’ at home, so here is one to get you started.

What you’ll need:

1 can of lychees

½ cup of the lychee syrup

¼ cup of coconut milk

1 cup crushed ice

½ or ¾ cup of Triple Sec (depending on how strong you like it!)

Directions:

Mix all ingredients in a blender until you get a frappe consistency.

Bottoms up!

If I am going to have to lie to my trainer* about eating bread, you better bet your ass that I am eating it with butter. I assume bread and butter to be a dietary luxury for dinner party guests as well, so I figured I better make it extra snazzy.

If you’re looking for a jazzed up way of serving butter this is the perfect little trick:

Wrap softened butter in rose petals (any color) and place in the refrigerator for a few minutes until chilled.

The rose petals act as little vessels while infusing the butter with the fragrant scent of the rose.

Remove the petals from the fridge and serve!

* Steve if you are reading this I just want to say…THAT I AM NOT SORRY! I don’t want to live in your carb free world of perfect abs. As as long as we are being honest with each other, every time you leave me at the end of a work out to do cardio on the honor system…I don’t honor it! I like bread and hate running…sue me.

I’ve always found that dressing any bottle up in a bucket of ice and a flower really sets the mood without breaking the bank.  Tonight when you are cozying up to your loved one (to watch Private Chefs of Beverly Hills on Food Network, wink wink) pull out a bottle of bubbly and put that baby on ice.  

I think Bette Davis put it best when she said “There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne.”

DON’T YOU JUDGE ME! Yes, it smells like formaldehyde.  Yes, I sometimes get a weird eye infection when I leave there.* No, the person behind the counter usually does not have a full set of teeth, or strong understanding of personal hygiene, but these are my people, the dollar store peeps, and I will not abandon them.

Seriously though, if you want to get more bang for your buck than a Vietnamese call girl, the dollar store is your sweet spot for saving money this jingle bell season, because you need extra everything.  Here are my dollar store must-haves, table tips, and party favors… If you are going to risk an eye to save a buck, you better make it count.

1. This is the place to get all the crap that your neighborhood grocer enjoys bending you over and sticking it to you: Paper towels, extra t.p., clean-up supplies like Windex and Ajax… The only thing to stay away from is the garbage bags, because they are so weak that Mary Kate Olsen’s appetizer plate would cause them burst open.

2. Grab as many candles as you can afford, and at a dollar a piece, that should be plenty. You will use them as them all season, and when guests come over, as it is quicker to light a few candles than to run out for flowers.

3. Dishes. Sounds weird but these guys have gold chargers, porcelain bowls, wine glasses, etc. Look through your stock at home and see where you are sparse. Rule of thumb: I only buy white dishes, clear glass wear, and everything else in mixable colors like gold, silver, and taupe. It helps things look like they match even when they don’t. Plus, someone always ends up tanked and breaking shit, and if the victim dishware is not part of a set, it makes me less likely to act violently.

4. Centerpieces can be done here on the cheap. As a general rule, I only buy foodstuffs for display from here, but they do cheap bags of lemons, oranges, and cranberries for simple and chic pieces. I also like to do giant bags of colorful dollar store candy to place in large glass containers on the kids’ tables at holiday events. Have containers on hand to turn said candy display into take-home party favors.

5. I have found that giving gifts in bags from the Hustler store takes away from the “specialness” of the season. You can load up on wrapping supplies at the dollar store and keep them in a drawer… Viola, girl has herself a holiday wrapping center!

6. Last but not least, this is where you should pick up all those pesky little ball ornaments that break EVERY DAMN YEAR! They add pizzazz to your holiday decor, and when they are this cheap, you can come up lots of fun way to display them!

That’s a nice starter list for you bargain hunting bitches. See ya tomorrow, same time, same place… unless I find something better to do.

*To be fair to the store that has given me so much at such a discount, I have a bad habit of rubbing my eyes and only a total freakin’ moron goes with in 100 yards of that place with out industrial hand sanitizer. I learned my lesson on the 3^rd infection. I ain’t one of those ‘quick learners.’

I have decided this is the year where I become Anne Hathaway in the car at the end of Paris fashion week where she tells Meryl Streep to suck it. I will become the girl with the perfect wardrobe and I will leave Ms. Wintour and my closet envy behind like last season’s Choos. I just need a little help…

> Three Black Skirts: For the girl who is just starting out in the this thing we call ‘the real world.’ This is the book my mother gave me when I left home for college and it is a brilliant collection of all things girlie, like how to build a wardrobe with three black skirts. Genius for the budget crowd.

> The One Hundred: The ultimate acquisition list. Some of Ms. Garcia’s items are for those who do not have to worry about putting money into their 401k. But for the most part, the editor of Marie Claire gave us all a wish list with some attainable items and a few ‘holy shit that’s expensive’ investment pieces.

> The Lucky Style Guide: This is for the chica who needs to decide what her look will be…are you bohemian (I am not…. that hippie ‘Jane Birkin’ look only works well on girls without tatas) or American Classic Miss Jackie O? Whatever your thing is, this guide helps you lock it down.

I know a lot of ya’all have given up your gym memberships in an effort to save your shekels.  Well I say good!

Screw doing exercise for the sake of fitting into single digit garments! I am not a goddamn gerbil and I will not run on a treadmill like a caged rodent. What’s next?  A maze with a slim fast shake at the end?  NO MORE!  Exercise should be fun, free, and make me feel like Gabriel Reese even if I look like an Orca with a learning disability.

I am only one lady* (I use the term lady loosely and by loosely I mean like the way we use sobriety in conjunction with Lindsey Lohan) and I am on the constant prowl for women who can help me with content for Things Your Mother Never Taught You. They say ‘Do your job BrookieP!’ and I would say ‘Why? You are so much better at it!’ So recently when my skinny jeans became my fat jeans I posed this question to some of my fitness forward friends…

What are some fun and inexpensive ways to stay fit? Here are the three best answers I got while trying to avoid doing my own work:

From Betsy: I often get lazy to go to the gym and get a sudden burst of energy around 9pm and don’t really know how to release it, so I started turning on music (I use the Hit List Music Channel on TV… and sometimes switch it up, maybe Show Tunes if I’m in a funny mood). I put on a pair of heels, yes with my pajamas, pick up 5 lb weights, and have a dance party by myself. It’s sooooo fun; you can dance however the hell you want and no one’s judging you. If you get low, you feel the burn in your thighs.

From Laura: Fitclick.com has like a zillion workout programs you can download for free and it lets you track everything on line. It’s like your own personal trainer minus the 100 bucks an hour part.

From …me… because I feel like a cheater if I don’t contribute something:
Grab a milk crate and turn on The Kardashians. Yeah, I am probably going to need to explain this one a little further. Folks you need 30 minutes of aerobic activity 4 times a week. I figure if I am going to let my brain deteriorate with reality programming I might as well not let my figure deteriorate too. Here’s the set up… Pick anything sturdy that is 12 to 16 inches off the ground and place it in front of the big black box that is slowly consuming your life and step it up*.  I find the simpler you keep the moves the better. Step up with one foot and then the other and go down the exact same way.  Fancy dance moves don’t really burn a lot more calories and after 30 minutes you will feel the burn in places you didn’t think should be open to the burn. At the point where I feel like quitting and laying on the couch with Ben and Jerry I like to let Kim’s booty act like my own personal incentive plan.

And if all else fails just order yourself the attached scale and call it a day!

* Not to be confused with ‘Step up’ a dance movie that makes you believe a little hip hop is all you need to fight off the powers that be in the ghetto… Thanks but I am gonna go with joining a gang and packin’ heat.