The Holidays are damn expensive. As if it’s not enough that I have to liquor up and feed everyone, all the extra little expenses can really add up. So, I would like to take this opportunity to say that, for the holidays, that I will not be giving gifts this year. In lieu of gifts, I have made a donation in each of your names to the Brooke Peterson Kick-Ass Shoe Fund. It is a charity that is near and dear to me, and I know you are all touched by my thoughtfulness and generosity. Just kidding, you greedy little brats. As usual, I will be cutting corners to save money for my Gifts and Presents Fund, and that means a trip to the dollar store.

DON’T YOU JUDGE ME! Yes, it smells like formaldehyde.  Yes, I sometimes get a weird eye infection when I leave there.* No, the person behind the counter usually does not have a full set of teeth, or strong understanding of personal hygiene, but these are my people, the dollar store peeps, and I will not abandon them.

Seriously though, if you want to get more bang for your buck than a Vietnamese call girl, the dollar store is your sweet spot for saving money this jingle bell season, because you need extra everything.  Here are my dollar store must-haves, table tips, and party favors… If you are going to risk an eye to save a buck, you better make it count.

1. This is the place to get all the crap that your neighborhood grocer enjoys bending you over and sticking it to you: Paper towels, extra t.p., clean-up supplies like Windex and Ajax… The only thing to stay away from is the garbage bags, because they are so weak that Mary Kate Olsen’s appetizer plate would cause them burst open.

2. Grab as many candles as you can afford, and at a dollar a piece, that should be plenty. You will use them as them all season, and when guests come over, as it is quicker to light a few candles than to run out for flowers.

3. Dishes. Sounds weird but these guys have gold chargers, porcelain bowls, wine glasses, etc. Look through your stock at home and see where you are sparse. Rule of thumb: I only buy white dishes, clear glass wear, and everything else in mixable colors like gold, silver, and taupe. It helps things look like they match even when they don’t. Plus, someone always ends up tanked and breaking shit, and if the victim dishware is not part of a set, it makes me less likely to act violently.

4. Centerpieces can be done here on the cheap. As a general rule, I only buy foodstuffs for display from here, but they do cheap bags of lemons, oranges, and cranberries for simple and chic pieces. I also like to do giant bags of colorful dollar store candy to place in large glass containers on the kids’ tables at holiday events. Have containers on hand to turn said candy display into take-home party favors.

5. I have found that giving gifts in bags from the Hustler store takes away from the “specialness” of the season. You can load up on wrapping supplies at the dollar store and keep them in a drawer… Viola, girl has herself a holiday wrapping center!

6. Last but not least, this is where you should pick up all those pesky little ball ornaments that break EVERY DAMN YEAR! They add pizzazz to your holiday decor, and when they are this cheap, you can come up lots of fun way to display them!

That’s a nice starter list for you bargain hunting bitches. See ya tomorrow, same time, same place… unless I find something better to do.

*To be fair to the store that has given me so much at such a discount, I have a bad habit of rubbing my eyes and only a total freakin’ moron goes with in 100 yards of that place with out industrial hand sanitizer. I learned my lesson on the 3^rd infection. I ain’t one of those ‘quick learners.’

Ever meet the girl who seems to have the perfect closet? Just the right amount of wicked tall stilettos in proportion to her sensible little Chanel flats and Havaianas? Well screw her. I hate her. My life feels like an endless quest to the day when I will be able to shut the door to my closet and say DONE! Never going to happen because Vogue comes out every month and, like a diabetic needs insulin, I need me the latest and greatest of whatever Anna Wintour is hawking that month. (Usually in the knock-off version because really who spends $1200 on a freaking skirt? That’s why all those NY fashion girls are so damn skinny, by the way. They spent all their money on YSL instead of a sandwich.)

I have decided this is the year where I become Anne Hathaway in the car at the end of Paris fashion week where she tells Meryl Streep to suck it. I will become the girl with the perfect wardrobe and I will leave Ms. Wintour and my closet envy behind like last season’s Choos. I just need a little help…

> Three Black Skirts: For the girl who is just starting out in the this thing we call ‘the real world.’ This is the book my mother gave me when I left home for college and it is a brilliant collection of all things girlie, like how to build a wardrobe with three black skirts. Genius for the budget crowd.

> The One Hundred: The ultimate acquisition list. Some of Ms. Garcia’s items are for those who do not have to worry about putting money into their 401k. But for the most part, the editor of Marie Claire gave us all a wish list with some attainable items and a few ‘holy shit that’s expensive’ investment pieces.

> The Lucky Style Guide: This is for the chica who needs to decide what her look will be…are you bohemian (I am not…. that hippie ‘Jane Birkin’ look only works well on girls without tatas) or American Classic Miss Jackie O? Whatever your thing is, this guide helps you lock it down.

For those of you who have not picked up a newspaper, turned on a TV, or tried to get a line of credit for anything over a dollar…. the recession is ON like Donkey Kong.

I know a lot of ya’all have given up your gym memberships in an effort to save your shekels.  Well I say good!

Screw doing exercise for the sake of fitting into single digit garments! I am not a goddamn gerbil and I will not run on a treadmill like a caged rodent. What’s next?  A maze with a slim fast shake at the end?  NO MORE!  Exercise should be fun, free, and make me feel like Gabriel Reese even if I look like an Orca with a learning disability.

I am only one lady* (I use the term lady loosely and by loosely I mean like the way we use sobriety in conjunction with Lindsey Lohan) and I am on the constant prowl for women who can help me with content for Things Your Mother Never Taught You. They say ‘Do your job BrookieP!’ and I would say ‘Why? You are so much better at it!’ So recently when my skinny jeans became my fat jeans I posed this question to some of my fitness forward friends…

What are some fun and inexpensive ways to stay fit? Here are the three best answers I got while trying to avoid doing my own work:

From Betsy: I often get lazy to go to the gym and get a sudden burst of energy around 9pm and don’t really know how to release it, so I started turning on music (I use the Hit List Music Channel on TV… and sometimes switch it up, maybe Show Tunes if I’m in a funny mood). I put on a pair of heels, yes with my pajamas, pick up 5 lb weights, and have a dance party by myself. It’s sooooo fun; you can dance however the hell you want and no one’s judging you. If you get low, you feel the burn in your thighs.

From Laura: Fitclick.com has like a zillion workout programs you can download for free and it lets you track everything on line. It’s like your own personal trainer minus the 100 bucks an hour part.

From …me… because I feel like a cheater if I don’t contribute something:
Grab a milk crate and turn on The Kardashians. Yeah, I am probably going to need to explain this one a little further. Folks you need 30 minutes of aerobic activity 4 times a week. I figure if I am going to let my brain deteriorate with reality programming I might as well not let my figure deteriorate too. Here’s the set up… Pick anything sturdy that is 12 to 16 inches off the ground and place it in front of the big black box that is slowly consuming your life and step it up*.  I find the simpler you keep the moves the better. Step up with one foot and then the other and go down the exact same way.  Fancy dance moves don’t really burn a lot more calories and after 30 minutes you will feel the burn in places you didn’t think should be open to the burn. At the point where I feel like quitting and laying on the couch with Ben and Jerry I like to let Kim’s booty act like my own personal incentive plan.

And if all else fails just order yourself the attached scale and call it a day!

* Not to be confused with ‘Step up’ a dance movie that makes you believe a little hip hop is all you need to fight off the powers that be in the ghetto… Thanks but I am gonna go with joining a gang and packin’ heat.