I am so not into the hippie thing. I get it…you like the Grateful Dead, deodorant was invented by ‘the man’, and hemp is ‘totally amazing man.’  To me you just come across as more pretentious than some chick named Buffy who ‘summers’ in the Hamptons. All those hippie idiots who say ‘money doesn’t matter man…communal living all the way!’ are always the ones with rich parents and health insurance. Hippies suck and smell. Point established. There is one thing that I can get on board with …”tree huggin”.

I LOVE TREES for everything. They are a sophisticated design stamp. Here is how to make one for your next event (I used it for a Japanese themed dinner party, and like it so much that I kept it in my house.)

1. You gotta find the wood/tree. I found mine in the design district in downtown L.A., but you can try any lumber place, design center, or florist.
2. Purchase whatever it is that you want to add to your tree. I like fabric orchids, wired crystals, and moss. All of which are available at the florist or craft store. Other things that look great are origami birds, lights, crystal beads, leaves, and flowers, etc..
3. Add everything on with spray adhesive or wire.
4. Feel like an artist!

I am big fan of living in the gray. If you read TYMNTY with any regularity, you know I am not exactly a fan of rule followin’. So, it should come as no surprise to those around me that when I found out I was having a little girl; I had no intention of painting her room pink. But, when I told everyone that I was planning on painting my little girls nursery gray, everyone looked at me like I had said I wasn’t going to allow imagination or laughter. Well guess what all you judgmental little mommies from baby group…you can suck it because it turned out pretty damn cute if you ask me!

Here is how I did it….

- Semi-gloss paint in Dior Gray

-Cream changing table and crib from Pottery Barn

-Butterflies on the wall- I got these from the craft store and super glued them on the wall in a cool pattern.

-Tree- This one is from an artist, but I have made these trees before and you can too! Just see my other post “Tree Hugger”.

- Rocking chair -I had it made because I didn’t want some cheesy crap from the kids stores. I found a chair I liked that matched with the décor of the room, and asked them to add a rocking mechanism to it. Simple solution and cheap too!

-Picture Wall- Choose any pictures and quotes you want done in different frames. I did quotes from Alice in Wonderland and Coco Channel, a vintage British poster, and black and white photos. I also included one pink princess painting for good measure.

- Day Bed- I had it made and covered in cream fabric (which is fantastic because it doubles as a couch when guests come to see the little monkey). The pillows are from West Elm and Jonathan Adler.

If you have any questions just write me!

Mama loves her some Yoga! I found a teacher who really gets me, and by gets me I mean she lets me listen to Jay-Z while doing Warrior pose.

I noticed a funky smell the other day while lying in Child’s pose…and it was my mat!

All yogis have to admit that they almost never wash their yoga mats (we know who we are).

Here’s a little homemade antibacterial spray to keep your mat smelling minty and delish!

What you’ll need:

Spray bottle

¼ cup White Vinegar

3 tablespoons of Rubbing Alcohol

1 teaspoon Tea Tree oil

Bergamont Mint Oil

Directions:

Fill the spray bottle with the water and vinegar. Add Tea Tree oil and 13 drops of the Bergamont Mint essential oil. Fill the rest of the bottle with water. Spray the yoga mat evenly and allow it to air dry.

Namaste Bitches!

All right, I know I am gonna get a few angry emails over this statement but what the hell…

The French scare the shit out of me. Seriously. Ya’all seem pissed off a lot. And I am not sure why. You got the best food, fashion, and …wait for it…LIQUOR. So attitudinal French people I would like to give you the fantastic French cocktail below and a suggestion…get a buzz and lose the ‘tude and Happy Bastille Day!

 What you’ll need:

• 1 ½  shots of  Grey Goose Pear Vodka
• 2 shots  of St. Germaine Liquor
• The juice  of one lemon wedge
• A splash of champagne

Fill a shaker with ice and add the vodka, St. Germaine, lemon juice and champagne. Shake well and strain into a chilled martini glass. Garnish with a slice of pear or a lemon twist.

Every time I walk into the Saks 5^th Avenue beauty department I feel as if there must be some undiscovered elixir, cream, or cleanser that will most definitely make me more desirable. Just when one of the snooty little ladies behind the counter convinces me that she knows what “it” is, and that it is worth a second mortgage on my home to buy said cream, I snap back to reality and whip out my iPod, blast me some Christina Aguilera ‘Beautiful’ while I mosey on home shaking my ass extra hard near construction zones in hopes of a cat call to really seal the deal.

But alas one still needs a bit o’face wash and I have found this little recipe makes a great one!

Packed with anti-oxidants, the elderberry is a small but mighty berry often used as an anti-inflammatory.

What you’ll need:

6oz. Unscented base cleanser

½ Organic Cucumber

8 drops of Elderberry Extract

5 drops of Grapefruit Essential Oil

Directions:

Chop the cucumber and puree it in a blender. Strain to get rid of the seeds. In a container of your choice add the base cleanser, cucumber liquid, elderberry extract, and grapefruit oil. Mix to incorporate and cleanse away!

This cleanser is perishable, so make sure you store it in the fridge!

I am with a man whose family does not drink. Yes the universe has a sense of humor*.

I can’t really say ‘Hey guys! Do you want some water…with your water?’

These jazzy little ice cubes dress up anything including water for my in-laws.

Directions:

Fill an ice cube tray with water half way and add any of the following to brighten up any drink!

- Crystallized Ginger

- Rose Petals

-Lemon/Orange peel

-Mint

- Fresh berries

*Gotta be honest with you ‘Universe’…not that funny to me.

When did it become acceptable to charge $15 dollars for a cocktail? Unless your fifteen-dollar cocktail is rimmed with gold flakes and filled with a magical self-esteem potion, then you have lost your damn mind. Oh, and don’t give me this ‘it’s a specialty cocktail’ B.S. In my opinion ALL COCKTAILS are special, and there is nothing stopping you from making your own ’specialty cocktail’ at home, so here is one to get you started.

What you’ll need:

1 can of lychees

½ cup of the lychee syrup

¼ cup of coconut milk

1 cup crushed ice

½ or ¾ cup of Triple Sec (depending on how strong you like it!)

Directions:

Mix all ingredients in a blender until you get a frappe consistency.

Bottoms up!

I love the fair. Live stock, belly shirts, and Ferris wheels.

As far as I am concerned that is pretty much the formula for a good time…it’s just missing one thing…the piece de resistance of the fair formula of fun…THE CHURRO.

Is it a donut? A Mexican coffee accompaniment? Something invented by the spice company that makes cinnamon as way to increase sales? Who cares! Let’s make these bad boys!

When you think of churros, the word complicated comes to mind. As it turns out these Spanish little treats are not that hard to make. The key to making great churros is the oil temperature.

What you need:

• 2 teaspoons of Sunflower oil
• 1 cup of all- purpose flour, sifted
• 1/4 tsp of salt
• oil deep for frying

Boil a cup of water along with the sunflower oil and salt. Add the flour and stir constantly until a smooth dough forms.

Heat the oil until it reaches 350°F.

Transfer the dough into a pastry bag with a star-shaped tip.

Make long strips of dough in the oil and cook until browned.

Remove the strips from the oil and place on paper towels to drain excess oil.

Sprinkle with sugar, and enjoy!

To make them a little more interesting, try injecting them with melted Nutella or milk chocolate.

(Cooking syringes are available for purchase online or at most food specialty stores).

If I am going to have to lie to my trainer* about eating bread, you better bet your ass that I am eating it with butter. I assume bread and butter to be a dietary luxury for dinner party guests as well, so I figured I better make it extra snazzy.

If you’re looking for a jazzed up way of serving butter this is the perfect little trick:

Wrap softened butter in rose petals (any color) and place in the refrigerator for a few minutes until chilled.

The rose petals act as little vessels while infusing the butter with the fragrant scent of the rose.

Remove the petals from the fridge and serve!

* Steve if you are reading this I just want to say…THAT I AM NOT SORRY! I don’t want to live in your carb free world of perfect abs. As as long as we are being honest with each other, every time you leave me at the end of a work out to do cardio on the honor system…I don’t honor it! I like bread and hate running…sue me.

There is a point in ones life when you realize you know absolutely nothing and all you want is someone who will tell you what to do. I am there!

Unfortunately, I decided to name my website ‘Things Your Mother Never Taught You’ which implies that I know something…that even your Mother doesn’t know.  So if I were to tell you that my kid just puked on me (sans a burp cloth on my shoulder), I am late turning in my ‘homework’ for work, I haven’t slept in a really long time and all I want is somebody to teach me how to ‘do it all’ you would have to say maybe you should start by renaming your website ‘You shoulda listened to your Mother when she taught you how to do all these things!’  Here are three things she did teach me that have saved my know-it-all ass in the last few days while being in trenches with my 5 week old daughter.

1. Fresh cut flowers in the entry way and Frank Sinatra music make any house feel sophisticated. Try it the next time you have people over and you have no time to do anything else. Porn on the T.V. and heavy metal has the opposite effect… if that’s what you’re going for.

2. If there is a couch there should be a blanket on or near it. It is just a good rule and encourages snuggling, cuddling, and impromptu napping.  The napping is key with the new baby…coincidentally the snuggling from the blanket/couch rule might have lead to the activities that got the baby here in the first place and now makes the naps necessary. Hey Chicken or egg?  Your call.

3. Put a pitcher of juice out on the counter in the summer. It is to this season as the fireplace is to winter. Here is my favorite recipe for summer juice… which I would normally put vodka in but I cannot find a doctor (even one who got their medical degree in the Caribbean) to say that is ok to do while nursing a newborn.

Mint lemonade :

1 cup of fresh squeezed lemon juice

1 handful of mint

2 quarts of water

1 cup of super fine sugar

2 lemons thinly sliced

Mix all ingredients and place in pitcher and enjoy all day long.