Those of you who are not within in a ten mile radius of me may not know that I am just a few short days away from having a little girl! Those of you who are within a ten-mile radius have heard me bitch at some point in the last nine months…I am loud and not prone to ‘keepin my complaints to myself’.  Since this site is named ‘Things Your Mother Never Taught You’ I have been thinking a lot about what I want to teach my little lady and I think ‘GIRLS RULE’ pretty much sums it up! Here are some of the things I know… a public letter to my unborn daughter:

1. You can bake a cake AND run a boardroom my darling little girl. You can wear a tank top from old navy whilst wearing pants from Gucci. You can read Bronte one night and watch American Idol the next. Don’t let people tell you life is either/or…it can be BOTH!

2. Be a girl’s girl. PERIOD. 

3. There are more brilliant women on this planet than you will ever find time to read, listen to, watch, learn from, or emulate…but that sure as hell doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to seek them out.

4. Listen to wise women, here are a few to start with:

CHARLOTTE WHITTON: Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

MARGARET THATCHER: If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.

GLORIA STEINEM: Any woman who chooses to behave like a full human being should be warned that the armies of the status quo will treat her as something of a dirty joke. That’s their natural and first weapon. She will need her sisterhood.

JACQUELINE KENNEDY ONASSIS:  I am a woman above everything else.

So in the honor of my future President/Teacher/Artist/Rocket Scientist/ or whatever she chooses to be daughter…I give you a the first cake recipe my mama ever taught me and some words of wisdom from brilliant ladies because in life I believe you can have your cake…and eat it too.  Roma’s Pineapple Upside Down Cake…The Jr. Version!

Ingredients:

1. Box of vanilla cake mix

2. 3 eggs

3. ¼ cup vegetable oil

4. ½ cup of citrus soda (sprite or 7-up works like a dream)

5. 1 can pineapple slices with juice set aside

6. 1 bottle of maraschino cherries

Directions:

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees 

2. Line the bottom of a non-stick cake pan with pineapple slices and place a cherry in the middle of each slice. This is a great cake to use a casserole dish for so that you have maximum surface area for pineapple slice. If you use a casserole dish ya gotta non-stick spray the hell out of it so your cake slips out like butta when you flip it over. 

3. Mix cake mix, pineapple juice from the can, soda, vegetable oil, and eggs together and whisk for a few minutes until there are no lumps. 

4. Pour over pineapple slices and toss into the oven for about 30 minutes depending on the depth of your pan. The guide on the back of the cake box is pretty accurate. 

5. Let cake coolio and flip that puppy over onto the serving dish of your choosing.

Extra Credit- mix a little rum with some whip cream to garnish the cake for serving.

Finally, I don’t have a lot of rules for you my dear daughter but this (see pic) will NOT be happening at our casa…just so you have fair warning. There is a time and place for dressing like a hussy and trying new things and it’s called college.

Love,

Mom

** My actual favorite things are naughty time with Daddy and liquor but that didn’t sound as good as the title ‘Cakes and Babies’.

Ever meet the girl who seems to have the perfect closet? Just the right amount of wicked tall stilettos in proportion to her sensible little Chanel flats and Havaianas? Well screw her. I hate her. My life feels like an endless quest to the day when I will be able to shut the door to my closet and say DONE! Never going to happen because Vogue comes out every month and, like a diabetic needs insulin, I need me the latest and greatest of whatever Anna Wintour is hawking that month. (Usually in the knock-off version because really who spends $1200 on a freaking skirt? That’s why all those NY fashion girls are so damn skinny, by the way. They spent all their money on YSL instead of a sandwich.)

I have decided this is the year where I become Anne Hathaway in the car at the end of Paris fashion week where she tells Meryl Streep to suck it. I will become the girl with the perfect wardrobe and I will leave Ms. Wintour and my closet envy behind like last season’s Choos. I just need a little help…

> Three Black Skirts: For the girl who is just starting out in the this thing we call ‘the real world.’ This is the book my mother gave me when I left home for college and it is a brilliant collection of all things girlie, like how to build a wardrobe with three black skirts. Genius for the budget crowd.

> The One Hundred: The ultimate acquisition list. Some of Ms. Garcia’s items are for those who do not have to worry about putting money into their 401k. But for the most part, the editor of Marie Claire gave us all a wish list with some attainable items and a few ‘holy shit that’s expensive’ investment pieces.

> The Lucky Style Guide: This is for the chica who needs to decide what her look will be…are you bohemian (I am not…. that hippie ‘Jane Birkin’ look only works well on girls without tatas) or American Classic Miss Jackie O? Whatever your thing is, this guide helps you lock it down.