I am big fan of living in the gray. If you read TYMNTY with any regularity, you know I am not exactly a fan of rule followin’. So, it should come as no surprise to those around me that when I found out I was having a little girl; I had no intention of painting her room pink. But, when I told everyone that I was planning on painting my little girls nursery gray, everyone looked at me like I had said I wasn’t going to allow imagination or laughter. Well guess what all you judgmental little mommies from baby group…you can suck it because it turned out pretty damn cute if you ask me!

Here is how I did it….

- Semi-gloss paint in Dior Gray

-Cream changing table and crib from Pottery Barn

-Butterflies on the wall- I got these from the craft store and super glued them on the wall in a cool pattern.

-Tree- This one is from an artist, but I have made these trees before and you can too! Just see my other post “Tree Hugger”.

- Rocking chair -I had it made because I didn’t want some cheesy crap from the kids stores. I found a chair I liked that matched with the décor of the room, and asked them to add a rocking mechanism to it. Simple solution and cheap too!

-Picture Wall- Choose any pictures and quotes you want done in different frames. I did quotes from Alice in Wonderland and Coco Channel, a vintage British poster, and black and white photos. I also included one pink princess painting for good measure.

- Day Bed- I had it made and covered in cream fabric (which is fantastic because it doubles as a couch when guests come to see the little monkey). The pillows are from West Elm and Jonathan Adler.

If you have any questions just write me!

Mama loves her some Yoga! I found a teacher who really gets me, and by gets me I mean she lets me listen to Jay-Z while doing Warrior pose.

I noticed a funky smell the other day while lying in Child’s pose…and it was my mat!

All yogis have to admit that they almost never wash their yoga mats (we know who we are).

Here’s a little homemade antibacterial spray to keep your mat smelling minty and delish!

What you’ll need:

Spray bottle

¼ cup White Vinegar

3 tablespoons of Rubbing Alcohol

1 teaspoon Tea Tree oil

Bergamont Mint Oil

Directions:

Fill the spray bottle with the water and vinegar. Add Tea Tree oil and 13 drops of the Bergamont Mint essential oil. Fill the rest of the bottle with water. Spray the yoga mat evenly and allow it to air dry.

Namaste Bitches!

Every time I walk into the Saks 5^th Avenue beauty department I feel as if there must be some undiscovered elixir, cream, or cleanser that will most definitely make me more desirable. Just when one of the snooty little ladies behind the counter convinces me that she knows what “it” is, and that it is worth a second mortgage on my home to buy said cream, I snap back to reality and whip out my iPod, blast me some Christina Aguilera ‘Beautiful’ while I mosey on home shaking my ass extra hard near construction zones in hopes of a cat call to really seal the deal.

But alas one still needs a bit o’face wash and I have found this little recipe makes a great one!

Packed with anti-oxidants, the elderberry is a small but mighty berry often used as an anti-inflammatory.

What you’ll need:

6oz. Unscented base cleanser

½ Organic Cucumber

8 drops of Elderberry Extract

5 drops of Grapefruit Essential Oil

Directions:

Chop the cucumber and puree it in a blender. Strain to get rid of the seeds. In a container of your choice add the base cleanser, cucumber liquid, elderberry extract, and grapefruit oil. Mix to incorporate and cleanse away!

This cleanser is perishable, so make sure you store it in the fridge!

When did it become acceptable to charge $15 dollars for a cocktail? Unless your fifteen-dollar cocktail is rimmed with gold flakes and filled with a magical self-esteem potion, then you have lost your damn mind. Oh, and don’t give me this ‘it’s a specialty cocktail’ B.S. In my opinion ALL COCKTAILS are special, and there is nothing stopping you from making your own ’specialty cocktail’ at home, so here is one to get you started.

What you’ll need:

1 can of lychees

½ cup of the lychee syrup

¼ cup of coconut milk

1 cup crushed ice

½ or ¾ cup of Triple Sec (depending on how strong you like it!)

Directions:

Mix all ingredients in a blender until you get a frappe consistency.

Bottoms up!

I would like to make an announcement…I have the smartest child on the planet. There is no hard evidence with which to back up this claim, more of gut feeling, but at any moment I am pretty sure Harvard is going to call and offer her spot in the 2011 class.  She is also quite gifted in the kitchen. This morning I made haystacks and when I stopped pouring the butterscotch chips into the bowl she let out a large burp which I interpreted as a “put more butterscotch in there, Lady” so I did…and it was a better finished project because of it.  I am just saying….

Here is the a recipe for Haystackies written in part by my daughter.

G-E-N-I-U-S. —————->

What you’ll Need:

1 bag butterscotch chips 

1 bag of milk chocolate chips

4 cups of chow mien noodles

1/2 cup of peanut butter

1 teaspoon teaspoon of cinnamon 

1 teaspoon of vanilla

Directions:

1. Place the peanut butter and butter scotch in the microwave for one minute (the butterscotch will only be partially melted)

2. Mix in vanilla and cinnamon

3. Stir in chow mien noodles and chocolate chips

4. Dump spoon size chunks onto a wax paper lined cookie sheet and place in the freezer for 45 minutes

5. Make sure no one whose opinion about you matters is in the general vicinity

6. Lick the bowl 

7. Lick the spoon

8. Remove the haystackies from the freezer and allow to adjust to room temperature 

9. EAT!

10.  ENJOY!

Those of you who are not within in a ten mile radius of me may not know that I am just a few short days away from having a little girl! Those of you who are within a ten-mile radius have heard me bitch at some point in the last nine months…I am loud and not prone to ‘keepin my complaints to myself’.  Since this site is named ‘Things Your Mother Never Taught You’ I have been thinking a lot about what I want to teach my little lady and I think ‘GIRLS RULE’ pretty much sums it up! Here are some of the things I know… a public letter to my unborn daughter:

1. You can bake a cake AND run a boardroom my darling little girl. You can wear a tank top from old navy whilst wearing pants from Gucci. You can read Bronte one night and watch American Idol the next. Don’t let people tell you life is either/or…it can be BOTH!

2. Be a girl’s girl. PERIOD. 

3. There are more brilliant women on this planet than you will ever find time to read, listen to, watch, learn from, or emulate…but that sure as hell doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to seek them out.

4. Listen to wise women, here are a few to start with:

CHARLOTTE WHITTON: Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

MARGARET THATCHER: If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.

GLORIA STEINEM: Any woman who chooses to behave like a full human being should be warned that the armies of the status quo will treat her as something of a dirty joke. That’s their natural and first weapon. She will need her sisterhood.

JACQUELINE KENNEDY ONASSIS:  I am a woman above everything else.

So in the honor of my future President/Teacher/Artist/Rocket Scientist/ or whatever she chooses to be daughter…I give you a the first cake recipe my mama ever taught me and some words of wisdom from brilliant ladies because in life I believe you can have your cake…and eat it too.  Roma’s Pineapple Upside Down Cake…The Jr. Version!

Ingredients:

1. Box of vanilla cake mix

2. 3 eggs

3. ¼ cup vegetable oil

4. ½ cup of citrus soda (sprite or 7-up works like a dream)

5. 1 can pineapple slices with juice set aside

6. 1 bottle of maraschino cherries

Directions:

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees 

2. Line the bottom of a non-stick cake pan with pineapple slices and place a cherry in the middle of each slice. This is a great cake to use a casserole dish for so that you have maximum surface area for pineapple slice. If you use a casserole dish ya gotta non-stick spray the hell out of it so your cake slips out like butta when you flip it over. 

3. Mix cake mix, pineapple juice from the can, soda, vegetable oil, and eggs together and whisk for a few minutes until there are no lumps. 

4. Pour over pineapple slices and toss into the oven for about 30 minutes depending on the depth of your pan. The guide on the back of the cake box is pretty accurate. 

5. Let cake coolio and flip that puppy over onto the serving dish of your choosing.

Extra Credit- mix a little rum with some whip cream to garnish the cake for serving.

Finally, I don’t have a lot of rules for you my dear daughter but this (see pic) will NOT be happening at our casa…just so you have fair warning. There is a time and place for dressing like a hussy and trying new things and it’s called college.

Love,

Mom

** My actual favorite things are naughty time with Daddy and liquor but that didn’t sound as good as the title ‘Cakes and Babies’.

Happy Cinco De Mayo everyone, to celebrate we’re going on a virtual trip down South.  Just because the US Government advises we don’t go to Mexico anytime soon, doesn’t mean we can’t bring Mexico’s finest exports to us.  

Here on Things Your Mother Never Taught You we believe if you only learn how to make three things in your adult life they should be the following:

1. Margies:  Mexico’s alternative to Prozac.

2. Guacamole: Mexico’s alternative to vegetables.  (FYI-french onion dip does not fulfill that requirement just because it has onion in the title).

3. Piñata- After a few Margies you can beat it and instead of going to jail you get prizes…Mexico’s alternative to violent alcoholics!  You don’t really even have to learn to make this…just stuff it with candy.

OLÉ!

Margies:

Click here for a video by yours truly on how to make kick ass Mango Margaritas!

Guacamole:

What you need:

2 RIPE avocados with the insides scooped out
½ cup sour cream
2 tablespoons lime juice
1 teaspoon course salt
1 to 2 dashes of Tabasco…depending on your heat tolerance
½ cup chopped tomatoes
2 tablespoons chopped cilantro
3 tablespoons diced onion

What to do:

Mash everything together and ENJOY!

xo Brooke Peterson

Not sure if ya heard troop number 1673 but there is a recession on ladies. You charging 4 bucks for a box o’ thin mints is highway robbery.

I am putting you in time out with Goldman Sachs.  

But alas I can not make Girl Scout Pie without thin mints….so give me 2 boxes, I’ll give you 8 dollars, and I can get my fix an you can laugh at me and me and call me a sucker….I need my cookie pie!

Ingredients:

-1 box of thin mints

-1/2 cup melted butter

-1 pint mint chocolate chip ice-cream softened (leave it on the counter for 15 minutes or in the fridge for an hour)

-1 container of cool whip

-1/4 cup crème de menthe liquor

Directions:

1.   Finely crush 1 sleeve of cookies and save the other for garnish or eat them whilst making said pie because you have no self-control.

2.   Mix crumbs with ½ cup melted butter and press into a non-stick pie pan. If you don’t have a non-stick pie pan you can use an 8×8 casserole dish but start thinking about buying a pie pan. Nothing says grown-up like a pan pie pan and good credit…and 1 out of 2 ain’t bad.

3.   Throw the crust in the freezer for at least ½ an hour or until firm.

4.   Combine the crème de menthe liquor with the cool whip and set in the fridge.

5.   Spread ice cream over the crust

6.   Spread the cool whip over the top and place into the freezer for at least 2 hours.

7.   Garnish with crushed cookies, shaved chocolate, or if feeling especially tacky some good ol’ chocolate sprinkles.

8.   Call your best friend/husband/mother and tell them you just ate an entire pie. See if they can bring you Pepto….and your dignity.

For those of you still trying to keep up with your New Year’s Resolution Torture Diet, I say stop trying to be Kate Moss (it’s no longer 1994 people) and make yourself a salad that doesn’t consist of lettuce and lemon juice.  Cantaloupe Salad is one of my favorites and very easy to make.

 What You Need:

2 cups diced cantaloupe

1-cup feta cheese

1 handful chopped mint

8 ounces diced proscuitto

2 tablespoons olive oil

½ teaspoon sugar

¼ teaspoon salt

Directions:

Combine ingredients and garnish with mint!  This is an easy one.  Here at Things Your Mother never Taught You we believe there is no need to be complicated unless you are the protaganist in an Avril Lavine song.

An Open Letter to McDonald’s

Dear Mr. McDonald’s,

You are such a typical man.  Last night I went through your drive-thru and got myself a little chocolate crack in a cup or milkshake as I believe you call it.   I went to sleep happy and with a full tummy, a blood glucose level that is definitely illegal in Utah and possibly some other tea party states, but happy nonetheless knowing that a sausage biscuit McSomething awaited me in the morning…like you said.   But at 10:15am when I ponied up to your drive thru window you were nowhere to be found.  Where is my porky goodness and why is some stranger offering me a cheeseburger.  WTF???  No, no, no!   I do not want a cheeseburger at 10:15 in the freakin’ morning.  Rush Limbaugh wouldn’t even eat a cheeseburger in the morning…unless you made vicodin your new ‘special sauce’.  

Screw You, Ronald McDonald!  

We are OVER!  I am making my own sausage scrumptiousness and I will not get drunk and call you just to see how your doing and then come over for a chocolate “milkshake” and believe that you will be there in the morning. I won’t fall for it…again.

Sincerely,

Brookie P  

Cinnamon Sausage Biscuits

2 cups all purpose flour

3 tablespoons sugar

1-teaspoon salt

2 teaspoons baking powder

1-tablespoon cinnamon

½ teaspoon nutmeg

1 pound cooked pork sausage

1-cup sharp cheddar cheese

½ teaspoon vanilla

2 cups heavy cream

Directions

1. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees

2. Combine all dry ingredients in a mixing bowl

3. Add in sausage and cheese

4. Add vanilla to the heavy cream in a separate bowl

5. Slowly begin to incorporate liquid into dry ingredients until mixture begins to form a dough ball in the center of the bowl.

6. On a floured surface begin to roll dough out and square off the edges with a knife.

7. Cut dough in 2×2 squares and place on non-stick cookie sheet

8. Bake for 20 minutes or until lightly golden

These little puppies are a good time to bust out the butter and/or maple syrup and forget about the diet.