For those of you still trying to keep up with your New Year’s Resolution Punishment Diet, I say stop trying to be Kate Moss (it’s no longer 1994 people) and make yourself a salad that doesn’t consist of lettuce and lemon juice.  Cantaloupe Salad is one of my favorites and very easy to make.

 What You Need:

2 cups diced cantaloupe

1-cup feta cheese

1 handful chopped mint

8 ounces diced proscuitto

2 tablespoons olive oil

½ teaspoon sugar

¼ teaspoon salt

Directions:

Combine ingredients and garnish with mint!  This is an easy one.  Here at Things Your Mother never Taught You we believe there is no need to be complicated unless you are the protaganist in an Avril Lavine song.

An Open Letter to McDonald’s

Dear Mr. McDonald’s,

You are such a typical man.  Last night I went through your drive-thru and got myself a little chocolate crack in a cup or milkshake as I believe you call it.   I went to sleep happy and with a full tummy, a blood glucose level that is definitely illegal in Utah and possibly some other tea party states, but happy nonetheless knowing that a sausage biscuit McSomething awaited me in the morning…like you said.   But at 10:15am when I ponied up to your drive thru window you were nowhere to be found.  Where is my porky goodness and why is some stranger offering me a cheeseburger.  WTF???  No, no, no!   I do not want a cheeseburger at 10:15 in the freakin’ morning.  Rush Limbaugh wouldn’t even eat a cheeseburger in the morning…unless you made vicodin your new ‘special sauce’.  

Screw You, Ronald McDonald!  

We are OVER!  I am making my own sausage scrumptiousness and I will not get drunk and call you just to see how your doing and then come over for a chocolate “milkshake” and believe that you will be there in the morning. I won’t fall for it…again.

Sincerely,

Brookie P  

Cinnamon Sausage Biscuits

2 cups all purpose flour

3 tablespoons sugar

1-teaspoon salt

2 teaspoons baking powder

1-tablespoon cinnamon

½ teaspoon nutmeg

1 pound cooked pork sausage

1-cup sharp cheddar cheese

½ teaspoon vanilla

2 cups heavy cream

Directions

1. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees

2. Combine all dry ingredients in a mixing bowl

3. Add in sausage and cheese

4. Add vanilla to the heavy cream in a separate bowl

5. Slowly begin to incorporate liquid into dry ingredients until mixture begins to form a dough ball in the center of the bowl.

6. On a floured surface begin to roll dough out and square off the edges with a knife.

7. Cut dough in 2×2 squares and place on non-stick cookie sheet

8. Bake for 20 minutes or until lightly golden

These little puppies are a good time to bust out the butter and/or maple syrup and forget about the diet.

Things Your Mother Never Taught You

1. 1. In life, cooking is optional, eating is not. If you lose your take-out menus, grab a recipe from Eat Me to ease your hunger pains.
2. 2. Saturdays are for parties or hangovers… I am a fan of both. Check out the weekly post under Saturdays for ways to do it all.
3. 3. Kim Kardashian’s ass is available without a gym membership… just clickety-click on Do Me.
4. 4. What you wear—and how you live—should be a matter of taste, not budget, ’cause money does not buy taste… does it, Ms. Hilton? Try Wear Me or Live in Me to put this nugget of wisdom to the test.
5. 5. Food should be Cheap N’ Easy like Carrie Prejan (I do, however, believe in a food’s right to marry a food of the same sex, just for the record.) I show you how to make meals for 5 bucks, in 5 minutes with 5 ingredients on our web show Cheap N’ Easy.
6. 6. Cocktails should be made in bulk. There is no joke here—some things are too serious to mess with. On your way to Costco to pick up tequila, check out Drink Me for my must-know mixology.
7. 7. If you don’t have something nice to say, it is probably damn funny.  If I don’t have something nice to say it will be damn funny and WILL appear in my weekly column called Yeah, I said It.
8. 8. There are some very wise women out there, including mothers other than yours. Let some of the smartest, coolest women I know—and some I’d like to know, like Maria Shriver and Michelle Obama—offer up some sage advice under Wise Women.
9. 9. It’s totally acceptable not to read ‘real stuff’ like newspapers and books. But if you decide you want to absorb a little sumthin sumthin in the way of literature (by my definition, anyway) check out Read Me.
10. 10. There are tricks that can make any woman look like a chef,   decorator, party planner, fashionista, and overall pulled-together grown-up… and I can teach a little something about the first four! Use Tips & Tricks as your cheatsheet to fake you through it, my dear.

So come on in, take off your shoes, browse around, and root through my drawers like you do when your man’s in the shower. You will read about everything on our top ten list, plus I’ll teach you how to get an entire room full of people drunk for less than the cost of dinner and a movie. What more do you people want from me?!? Free martinis for every registered subscriber? Yeah, I thought of that too, but apparently that’s not what they call ‘advertiser friendly.’ 

I hope you all find something to take away and something to bring you back.

Love ya’all like a fat kid loves cake… Cheers!

Brooke Peterson