I am with a man whose family does not drink. Yes the universe has a sense of humor*.

I can’t really say ‘Hey guys! Do you want some water…with your water?’

These jazzy little ice cubes dress up anything including water for my in-laws.

Directions:

Fill an ice cube tray with water half way and add any of the following to brighten up any drink!

- Crystallized Ginger

- Rose Petals

-Lemon/Orange peel

-Mint

- Fresh berries

*Gotta be honest with you ‘Universe’…not that funny to me.

When did it become acceptable to charge $15 dollars for a cocktail? Unless your fifteen-dollar cocktail is rimmed with gold flakes and filled with a magical self-esteem potion, then you have lost your damn mind. Oh, and don’t give me this ‘it’s a specialty cocktail’ B.S. In my opinion ALL COCKTAILS are special, and there is nothing stopping you from making your own ’specialty cocktail’ at home, so here is one to get you started.

What you’ll need:

1 can of lychees

½ cup of the lychee syrup

¼ cup of coconut milk

1 cup crushed ice

½ or ¾ cup of Triple Sec (depending on how strong you like it!)

Directions:

Mix all ingredients in a blender until you get a frappe consistency.

Bottoms up!

There is a point in ones life when you realize you know absolutely nothing and all you want is someone who will tell you what to do. I am there!

Unfortunately, I decided to name my website ‘Things Your Mother Never Taught You’ which implies that I know something…that even your Mother doesn’t know.  So if I were to tell you that my kid just puked on me (sans a burp cloth on my shoulder), I am late turning in my ‘homework’ for work, I haven’t slept in a really long time and all I want is somebody to teach me how to ‘do it all’ you would have to say maybe you should start by renaming your website ‘You shoulda listened to your Mother when she taught you how to do all these things!’  Here are three things she did teach me that have saved my know-it-all ass in the last few days while being in trenches with my 5 week old daughter.

1. Fresh cut flowers in the entry way and Frank Sinatra music make any house feel sophisticated. Try it the next time you have people over and you have no time to do anything else. Porn on the T.V. and heavy metal has the opposite effect… if that’s what you’re going for.

2. If there is a couch there should be a blanket on or near it. It is just a good rule and encourages snuggling, cuddling, and impromptu napping.  The napping is key with the new baby…coincidentally the snuggling from the blanket/couch rule might have lead to the activities that got the baby here in the first place and now makes the naps necessary. Hey Chicken or egg?  Your call.

3. Put a pitcher of juice out on the counter in the summer. It is to this season as the fireplace is to winter. Here is my favorite recipe for summer juice… which I would normally put vodka in but I cannot find a doctor (even one who got their medical degree in the Caribbean) to say that is ok to do while nursing a newborn.

Mint lemonade :

1 cup of fresh squeezed lemon juice

1 handful of mint

2 quarts of water

1 cup of super fine sugar

2 lemons thinly sliced

Mix all ingredients and place in pitcher and enjoy all day long.

I’ve always found that dressing any bottle up in a bucket of ice and a flower really sets the mood without breaking the bank.  Tonight when you are cozying up to your loved one (to watch Private Chefs of Beverly Hills on Food Network, wink wink) pull out a bottle of bubbly and put that baby on ice.  

I think Bette Davis put it best when she said “There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne.”

Vodka Mint Lemonade

1 can frozen lemonade concentrate
36 oz. citrus soda (Sprite, 7-up, Fresca)
1 quart of Vodka…yeah baby!
4 tablespoons chopped mint
Toss everything into a pitcher and throw a couple of cups of ice into that puppy. Garnish the glasses with a sprig of mint or lemon slice.

Sangria

1 bottle cheap red wine
4 cups chopped fruit (lemons, oranges, limes, and stone fruits work best)
4 tablespoons brandy
Toss everything into the pitcher and throw it into the fridge for about 2 hours. Take it out and put in 4 cups of ice. Serve this baby up with a little orange garnish and pretend to be a hot Spanish chick for the rest of the evening.

Piña Colada

1 quart pre-made pina colada mixer
16 oz. of light rum (cheap kind ladies!)
3 tablespoon vanilla coffee creamer
1 small can diced pineapple
5 cups ice

Toss it all in the blender. While blending you will OBVIOUSLY sing If You Like Pina Coladas.  Serve your tropical orgasm in a glass and garnish this puppy with some pineapple.

NOTE: Things Your Mother Never Taught You does not condone using the firepit indoors, as “rad” as that seems dont do it.  We wont be posting quick tips to get soot out of your walls anytime soon.

THANKSGIVING!!!!

I am not spending it with my family so I can leave the valium and vodka at home. Or, at least the valium. I am, however, spending it with my partner-in-crime’s gianormous Jewish family. They’re not what you would call the Q.W.T. (quiet waspy type). And, since I am an overbearing Jewish mother’s worst nightmare (blonde, big rack and even bigger mouth… oh yeah, and a shiksa), I am going to be extra helpful on Thanksgiving, which works out well because I have Thanksgiving down to a science… a drunken, lethargic, tryptophan-induced, ‘God I will never eat this much again, OK just one more slice of pie’ science.

So, I thought for the next week here on Things Your Mother Never Taught You we would do a one week prep for the food superbowl otherwise known as Turkey Day.

Since we are a week out, today is going to be all about getting your bar in order. Why? Because liquor doesn’t go bad, and if your food goes to shit you can just over pour the cocktails until your uncle Bob starts getting handsy. Seriously Bob. It’s not ‘ok’ in Arkansas.  Put the mulled wine down and learn to hug appropriately.

At the seven-day mark in the T-Day countdown, this is the perfect time to make your infused vodka and for next week. I think that Cranberry Vodka sets the tone, plus it looks spectacular. Here’s what you have to know:

1. Grab 2 bags of cranberries, 1 pound cubed pineapple, and 2 quartered oranges and toss those puppies into your glass jug (use one with a spigot like the one pictured here.)

2. Dump two liters of cheap vodka on top and toss thee lid on thee jar. I like to play Russian techno music at this part and pretend to be a wild Ukrainian supermodel at secret underground dance club/distillery but it’s not really necessary for the vodka… More of a personal thing!

3. Put it on a counter out of direct sunlight and forget about it until next Thursday!

Your task today is done, you domestic goddess, you. Just follow my lead and we will have you all set for your day of thanks… You can thank me later.

P.S. Thanks to everyone who watched Rachael Ray yesterday. I made it five whole minutes on national T.V. without saying something inappropriate! Way to go BrookieP, way to go.

Click here for the list of ingredients, preparation instructions and nutritional information.

Prep Time 5 min.
Serves 1

Ingredients

Per Serving

• Calories: 334 kcal
• Carbohydrates: 51 g
• Dietary Fiber: 2 g
• Fat: 0 g
• Protein: 0 g
• Sugars: 45 g