Do you know the “smell good people”? You know the people. The ones who go to the beach and smell like coconut oil or go to the country and smell like wild flowers? Yeah, well I’m not one of those people. I go the beach and smell like dead fish and if I go to the country I usually end up smelling like dirt and doo doo. With that said, I have obviously found perfume, showers, and deodorant essential necessities. My other little helpers are lavender sachets. You can stick these puppies anywhere: suitcases, drawers, purses, etc., and then you too can join the “smell good people”!

P.S. I love Lavender so much I included a Lavender cookie recipe for extra credit!

Lavender Sachets:

You can use these to add fragrance to your any drawer, or cabinet in your home.

What you’ll need:

10” Squares of Muslin, Linen, or Cotton

¼ cup Dried Lavender Flowers

Ribbon (optional)

Directions:

Sew two 10” squares on three sides. Fill the bag with the lavender flowers and sew the fourth side.

If you are planning on giving these as a gift, or would like to bundle them up, tie four sachets together with the matching ribbon of your choice.

Lavender Cookies with Meyer Lemon Glaze:

Let’s be honest, a cookie can make almost anything better. These delicate cookie slices will surely brighten up your day!

What you’ll need:

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup butter, softened
3/4 cup sugar
1 extra large egg, lightly beaten
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 tablespoons dried culinary lavender, chopped

Directions:

In a large bowl, mix the butter and sugar until creamy. Beat in the egg. Sift together the flour and baking powder into the mixture. Stir in the lavender until combined. Transfer the mixture to a clean surface and gather into a ball. Roll out the dough into a cylinder shape, cover it with parchment paper, and chill in the freezer for about 40 minutes until firm.

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees.

Slice the dough into thin rounds and place them on a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper.

Bake for about 12 minutes or until golden brown. Let cool for 5 minutes then transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.

Meyer Lemon Glaze:

Whisk ¾ cup of confectioner sugar with the juice from one Meyer lemon until the glaze is nice and smooth. Drizzle over the lavender cookies and eat them up!

The very first headboard I ever made was from Strawberry Short Cake fabric and spray adhesive.  I was 8 and my career in lifestyles was slowly but surely rearing it’s head.  Funny enough, I still believe that your headboard is the easiest place in your home to DIY it.

This is my current bed topper and even though this one is slightly more complex it is still the same basic idea…so with no further adieu, here is how to do a basic headboard:

1. Get PDF (basically cheap particle board) cut to the exact dimensions you want at a place like Home Depo or Lowes.  If the wall is especially big (like mine) and you want to cover the whole wall try break it up into squares or panels and having individual pieces of particleboard cut to cover the whole wall.

2. Spray adhesive on one side othe board and stick on batting in your desired thickness. A little inside info…go thicker about ½ inch thicker than you think you want because by the time you pull the fabric over the batting it compresses it a bit.

3. Stretch fabric over batting and secure to the back with a staple gun. I like to pretend I am auditioning for Lethal Weapon during this part of the process and say things to the particle board like ‘Don’t make it do this man’ and then fire the staple gun with real commitment.

4. Secure to the wall- I like to use a slide rack system (they can show you this at the hardware store) but you can use hooks or screws

It is usually after I make a head board from scratch that I end up breaking up with whomever I am dating because let’s just be honest…I just made a piece of furniture so what do I really need a man for? Plus my adrenaline is going from the whole ‘Lethal Weapon’ thing and I want to make like Mel Gibson* and ‘go it alone’.

*Mel, Mel, Mel. Why so angry? We get it…you don’t like Women, Jews, or Black people.  Yeah we’re definitely the reason your crazy.  DEFINITELY.

I am so not into the hippie thing. I get it…you like the Grateful Dead, deodorant was invented by ‘the man’, and hemp is ‘totally amazing man.’  To me you just come across as more pretentious than some chick named Buffy who ‘summers’ in the Hamptons. All those hippie idiots who say ‘money doesn’t matter man…communal living all the way!’ are always the ones with rich parents and health insurance. Hippies suck and smell. Point established. There is one thing that I can get on board with …”tree huggin”.

I LOVE TREES for everything. They are a sophisticated design stamp. Here is how to make one for your next event (I used it for a Japanese themed dinner party, and like it so much that I kept it in my house.)

1. You gotta find the wood/tree. I found mine in the design district in downtown L.A., but you can try any lumber place, design center, or florist.
2. Purchase whatever it is that you want to add to your tree. I like fabric orchids, wired crystals, and moss. All of which are available at the florist or craft store. Other things that look great are origami birds, lights, crystal beads, leaves, and flowers, etc..
3. Add everything on with spray adhesive or wire.
4. Feel like an artist!

I am big fan of living in the gray. If you read TYMNTY with any regularity, you know I am not exactly a fan of rule followin’. So, it should come as no surprise to those around me that when I found out I was having a little girl; I had no intention of painting her room pink. But, when I told everyone that I was planning on painting my little girls nursery gray, everyone looked at me like I had said I wasn’t going to allow imagination or laughter. Well guess what all you judgmental little mommies from baby group…you can suck it because it turned out pretty damn cute if you ask me!

Here is how I did it….

- Semi-gloss paint in Dior Gray

-Cream changing table and crib from Pottery Barn

-Butterflies on the wall- I got these from the craft store and super glued them on the wall in a cool pattern.

-Tree- This one is from an artist, but I have made these trees before and you can too! Just see my other post “Tree Hugger”.

- Rocking chair -I had it made because I didn’t want some cheesy crap from the kids stores. I found a chair I liked that matched with the décor of the room, and asked them to add a rocking mechanism to it. Simple solution and cheap too!

-Picture Wall- Choose any pictures and quotes you want done in different frames. I did quotes from Alice in Wonderland and Coco Channel, a vintage British poster, and black and white photos. I also included one pink princess painting for good measure.

- Day Bed- I had it made and covered in cream fabric (which is fantastic because it doubles as a couch when guests come to see the little monkey). The pillows are from West Elm and Jonathan Adler.

If you have any questions just write me!

Mama loves her some Yoga! I found a teacher who really gets me, and by gets me I mean she lets me listen to Jay-Z while doing Warrior pose.

I noticed a funky smell the other day while lying in Child’s pose…and it was my mat!

All yogis have to admit that they almost never wash their yoga mats (we know who we are).

Here’s a little homemade antibacterial spray to keep your mat smelling minty and delish!

What you’ll need:

Spray bottle

¼ cup White Vinegar

3 tablespoons of Rubbing Alcohol

1 teaspoon Tea Tree oil

Bergamont Mint Oil

Directions:

Fill the spray bottle with the water and vinegar. Add Tea Tree oil and 13 drops of the Bergamont Mint essential oil. Fill the rest of the bottle with water. Spray the yoga mat evenly and allow it to air dry.

Namaste Bitches!

I love red lipstick because it accomplishes so much with so little. For 5.99 a tube (danke, Loreal) you can put the sexy back in your step and make your bad self stand out at night—just ask any ‘working lady.’ It can leave a territorial marker on your mate—better than a golf club, Elin.* And now it can be used to decorate your abode. Just spell out holiday-appropriate words on mirrored surfaces around your casa and wait for “Oh my god, you’re, like, sooo creative!” compliments from your peeps.

* On a side note I would like to say that as a general policy Things Your Mother Never Taught You does not get involved in domestic disputes, but Tiger, you don’t cheat ON the hot Swedish nanny, you cheat WITH the hot Swedish nannny.

The winter weather can dry you out quicker than a trip to Betty Ford, so exfoliating and mosturizing are key to staying snuggley soft. I love sugar scrubs because they dissolve in the shower and they make me feel like a cupcake in a good way. Here is my favorite homemade sugar scrub for snow season:

Brown Sugar Body Scrub

-2 cups Brown Sugar

-1 cup course white sugar

-2 tablespoons peppermint oil

-1 cup baby oil

Mix everything and place in glass jar with a lid in your shower. Scrub and rinse!

P.S. This makes a great little gift. Just wrap a little bow around it and call it a day!

The Holidays are damn expensive. As if it’s not enough that I have to liquor up and feed everyone, all the extra little expenses can really add up. So, I would like to take this opportunity to say that, for the holidays, that I will not be giving gifts this year. In lieu of gifts, I have made a donation in each of your names to the Brooke Peterson Kick-Ass Shoe Fund. It is a charity that is near and dear to me, and I know you are all touched by my thoughtfulness and generosity. Just kidding, you greedy little brats. As usual, I will be cutting corners to save money for my Gifts and Presents Fund, and that means a trip to the dollar store.

DON’T YOU JUDGE ME! Yes, it smells like formaldehyde.  Yes, I sometimes get a weird eye infection when I leave there.* No, the person behind the counter usually does not have a full set of teeth, or strong understanding of personal hygiene, but these are my people, the dollar store peeps, and I will not abandon them.

Seriously though, if you want to get more bang for your buck than a Vietnamese call girl, the dollar store is your sweet spot for saving money this jingle bell season, because you need extra everything.  Here are my dollar store must-haves, table tips, and party favors… If you are going to risk an eye to save a buck, you better make it count.

1. This is the place to get all the crap that your neighborhood grocer enjoys bending you over and sticking it to you: Paper towels, extra t.p., clean-up supplies like Windex and Ajax… The only thing to stay away from is the garbage bags, because they are so weak that Mary Kate Olsen’s appetizer plate would cause them burst open.

2. Grab as many candles as you can afford, and at a dollar a piece, that should be plenty. You will use them as them all season, and when guests come over, as it is quicker to light a few candles than to run out for flowers.

3. Dishes. Sounds weird but these guys have gold chargers, porcelain bowls, wine glasses, etc. Look through your stock at home and see where you are sparse. Rule of thumb: I only buy white dishes, clear glass wear, and everything else in mixable colors like gold, silver, and taupe. It helps things look like they match even when they don’t. Plus, someone always ends up tanked and breaking shit, and if the victim dishware is not part of a set, it makes me less likely to act violently.

4. Centerpieces can be done here on the cheap. As a general rule, I only buy foodstuffs for display from here, but they do cheap bags of lemons, oranges, and cranberries for simple and chic pieces. I also like to do giant bags of colorful dollar store candy to place in large glass containers on the kids’ tables at holiday events. Have containers on hand to turn said candy display into take-home party favors.

5. I have found that giving gifts in bags from the Hustler store takes away from the “specialness” of the season. You can load up on wrapping supplies at the dollar store and keep them in a drawer… Viola, girl has herself a holiday wrapping center!

6. Last but not least, this is where you should pick up all those pesky little ball ornaments that break EVERY DAMN YEAR! They add pizzazz to your holiday decor, and when they are this cheap, you can come up lots of fun way to display them!

That’s a nice starter list for you bargain hunting bitches. See ya tomorrow, same time, same place… unless I find something better to do.

*To be fair to the store that has given me so much at such a discount, I have a bad habit of rubbing my eyes and only a total freakin’ moron goes with in 100 yards of that place with out industrial hand sanitizer. I learned my lesson on the 3^rd infection. I ain’t one of those ‘quick learners.’

Even though my site is called Things Your Mother Never Taught You, I have to admit that I learned almost everything I know from my mother. Wait, that’s not true. I learned how to do everything ‘the right way’ from my mother. I would then take said lessons and cut every possible corner from time to money, and do it the ‘Oh (insert sigh here) Honey’ way. I once pulled out hot glue to hem my pants, and by her reaction, you would’ve thought that I’d tied off and shot myself up with heroine while simultaneously making internet porn and clubbing baby seals.

That being said, even she had some tricks to getting your festive on for the holidays without climbing a god damn ladder or using anything inflatable resembling a turkey, pilgrim, or a cornucopia (which, let’s just be honest, always ends up looking like a penis with a spray tan that curves slightly to the left.) One of my Mom’s signature moves was decorating with candlelight. I think our Mormon neighbors thought we were holding a seance every time T-day rolled around. Which, in my mother’s own words, “is fine because people who don’t believe in happy hour are not to be trusted.” On both points, I agree with mama… Yes to candles, yes to happy hour.

Here are my Mom’s best tips and rules for lighting up your pied-à-terre. In the words of my utterly fantastic mentor and mother, Roma Peterson, who is no longer with us, “Look alive baby girl! This is the fun stuff!”

These are Roma’s Rules:

1. People focus on the entryway to your house, and on the dining table. Start at the entryway with luminaries. Grab a handful of lunch bags and fill the bottom of each one with an inch of sand. Place a tea light inside and viola you got yourself a fancy lit up walk way. Do not be a moron and put these inside unless you want to your casa to go up in flames.

2. In the entryway, if you want something singular with a lot of ‘Wow’ factor, try doing glass containers filled with water and floating candles. If you can’t find floating candles, you can float regular pillar candles in cranberries.

3. Tabletops are always best done with candles with two reasons:  First, everyone looks better by candlelight. Some people should never be shown in high definition T.V., and the same applies for the halogen lighting in your dining room. Your Aunt Kate’s ‘natural lip enhancement’ will still look like Lisa Rinna after a hard night, but it will be more bearable in the amber glow of candlelight. Trust me. The second reason for candles on the table is that they make unbelievable chic and cheap centerpieces. Some of my favorite ways to use them: Write letters on them for sayings, hang them from branches in small mason jars, and tuck tea lights into fruits and pumpkins.

Hold on to your Santa hats, folks… Someone allowed me on national television. So today on Rachael Ray you can catch me giving Holiday tips and tricks, and here’s one of my favorites.

For those of you who are little short on holiday decorations, you can let those annoying ‘oh my god look at how cute we are in our matching sweaters’ card people make themselves useful.

1. Grab some string, ribbon, or twine and tie it between two objects at least a 1 ½  feet apart. I like festive vases. Or tie it from end to end of your fireplace mantle.

2. Pick your bad-ass holiday decorating self up some clothes pins (laundry aisle of the grocery store) and put some ‘jazz hands’ on ‘em. Which basically means, glue whatever you’ve got on hand to the top of the clothes pin. I like the little blue snowflakes pictured here because a retarded monkey could cut them out of any paper you have on hand. But, of course, feel free to go wild. This project is an acceptable time to bust out the glitter. On a side note if you are a stripper anytime is an appropriate time to bust out the glitter… Every job has it perks, ladies!

3. Clip cards to your clothesline. Only put up the attractive people though. What? Too far? Nope. Just right.

Hope ya’all catch the show today and thanks in advance for all the nice flowers, notes, cards, chocolates, subscriptions to the Wine of the Month Club, and envelopes stuffed with cash that you sent as congratulatory gifts.