I am with a man whose family does not drink. Yes the universe has a sense of humor*.

I can’t really say ‘Hey guys! Do you want some water…with your water?’

These jazzy little ice cubes dress up anything including water for my in-laws.

Directions:

Fill an ice cube tray with water half way and add any of the following to brighten up any drink!

- Crystallized Ginger

- Rose Petals

-Lemon/Orange peel

-Mint

- Fresh berries

*Gotta be honest with you ‘Universe’…not that funny to me.

When did it become acceptable to charge $15 dollars for a cocktail? Unless your fifteen-dollar cocktail is rimmed with gold flakes and filled with a magical self-esteem potion, then you have lost your damn mind. Oh, and don’t give me this ‘it’s a specialty cocktail’ B.S. In my opinion ALL COCKTAILS are special, and there is nothing stopping you from making your own ’specialty cocktail’ at home, so here is one to get you started.

What you’ll need:

1 can of lychees

½ cup of the lychee syrup

¼ cup of coconut milk

1 cup crushed ice

½ or ¾ cup of Triple Sec (depending on how strong you like it!)

Directions:

Mix all ingredients in a blender until you get a frappe consistency.

Bottoms up!

Here is the a recipe for Haystackies written in part by my daughter.

G-E-N-I-U-S. —————->

What you’ll Need:

1 bag butterscotch chips 

1 bag of milk chocolate chips

4 cups of chow mien noodles

1/2 cup of peanut butter

1 teaspoon teaspoon of cinnamon 

1 teaspoon of vanilla

Directions:

1. Place the peanut butter and butter scotch in the microwave for one minute (the butterscotch will only be partially melted)

2. Mix in vanilla and cinnamon

3. Stir in chow mien noodles and chocolate chips

4. Dump spoon size chunks onto a wax paper lined cookie sheet and place in the freezer for 45 minutes

5. Make sure no one whose opinion about you matters is in the general vicinity

6. Lick the bowl 

7. Lick the spoon

8. Remove the haystackies from the freezer and allow to adjust to room temperature 

9. EAT!

10.  ENJOY!

1- The all chocolate-sit on your couch and lose weight diet

2- The No-hangover double vodka martini

3-The self esteem building drunk dial…which usually follows the No-hangover martini…;)

Click here to learn how to make an Ice Cream Cone Cupcake.  In the meantime I’ll work on these other gems in my laboratory kitchen.

*Look who’s catching on!!!!

Having a new baby at home is hands down the most fun I have ever had, but it leaves little time for anything else.  I am not going to lie to you, my personal hygiene is beginning to come into question due to my lack of time to shower. Whatever…hand sanitizer, deodorant, and a breath mint IS like a shower when you have a newborn.  That being said, ONE dish meals are my crack right now*.  They take less time to prepare, have less clean up, and allow me to shove food down my throat in between ‘nap times’ that actually resembles a real meal.  Here is one of favorites…Shepards Pie.

*PLEASE do not write me telling me how crack is bad for the baby or how crack references are insensitive or how your friend who is a recovering crackhead is offended by my joke. I haven’t slept and I have no patience for people who do not find crack jokes funny even if they are an easy way out.  

If you want to lose all sense of personal dignity you can throw some gravy on this puppy. I warn you you will not feel real great about yourself…but you will probably go into a food coma so you won’t even be awake to acknowledge your low self esteem.

Those of you who are not within in a ten mile radius of me may not know that I am just a few short days away from having a little girl! Those of you who are within a ten-mile radius have heard me bitch at some point in the last nine months…I am loud and not prone to ‘keepin my complaints to myself’.  Since this site is named ‘Things Your Mother Never Taught You’ I have been thinking a lot about what I want to teach my little lady and I think ‘GIRLS RULE’ pretty much sums it up! Here are some of the things I know… a public letter to my unborn daughter:

1. You can bake a cake AND run a boardroom my darling little girl. You can wear a tank top from old navy whilst wearing pants from Gucci. You can read Bronte one night and watch American Idol the next. Don’t let people tell you life is either/or…it can be BOTH!

2. Be a girl’s girl. PERIOD. 

3. There are more brilliant women on this planet than you will ever find time to read, listen to, watch, learn from, or emulate…but that sure as hell doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to seek them out.

4. Listen to wise women, here are a few to start with:

CHARLOTTE WHITTON: Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

MARGARET THATCHER: If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.

GLORIA STEINEM: Any woman who chooses to behave like a full human being should be warned that the armies of the status quo will treat her as something of a dirty joke. That’s their natural and first weapon. She will need her sisterhood.

JACQUELINE KENNEDY ONASSIS:  I am a woman above everything else.

So in the honor of my future President/Teacher/Artist/Rocket Scientist/ or whatever she chooses to be daughter…I give you a the first cake recipe my mama ever taught me and some words of wisdom from brilliant ladies because in life I believe you can have your cake…and eat it too.  Roma’s Pineapple Upside Down Cake…The Jr. Version!

Ingredients:

1. Box of vanilla cake mix

2. 3 eggs

3. ¼ cup vegetable oil

4. ½ cup of citrus soda (sprite or 7-up works like a dream)

5. 1 can pineapple slices with juice set aside

6. 1 bottle of maraschino cherries

Directions:

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees 

2. Line the bottom of a non-stick cake pan with pineapple slices and place a cherry in the middle of each slice. This is a great cake to use a casserole dish for so that you have maximum surface area for pineapple slice. If you use a casserole dish ya gotta non-stick spray the hell out of it so your cake slips out like butta when you flip it over. 

3. Mix cake mix, pineapple juice from the can, soda, vegetable oil, and eggs together and whisk for a few minutes until there are no lumps. 

4. Pour over pineapple slices and toss into the oven for about 30 minutes depending on the depth of your pan. The guide on the back of the cake box is pretty accurate. 

5. Let cake coolio and flip that puppy over onto the serving dish of your choosing.

Extra Credit- mix a little rum with some whip cream to garnish the cake for serving.

Finally, I don’t have a lot of rules for you my dear daughter but this (see pic) will NOT be happening at our casa…just so you have fair warning. There is a time and place for dressing like a hussy and trying new things and it’s called college.

Love,

Mom

** My actual favorite things are naughty time with Daddy and liquor but that didn’t sound as good as the title ‘Cakes and Babies’.

I have to admit I was whole heartedly against the No Carb movement from the get go.  I love me some flour and I love me some sugar, the more refined the better.  That was my story until I learned that in preparing No Carb/Low Carb meals you can simply replace the carbs with CHEESE.  Turns out I have been an unknowing No Carb fan for years!  Today I bring you Ricotta Gnocchi with Pesto Cream Sauce. 

“Gnocchi”:

• 1 pound fresh ricotta cheese
• 1 large egg
• 1/2 cup grated Parmesan
• 1/2 cup wheat-bread crumbs or crushed low-carb crackers
• 1 tablespoon melted butter
• 1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
• Flour, for rolling gnocchi

Pesto Sauce:

• 2 cups chopped fresh basil leaves
• 1/4 cup olive oil
• 3 tablespoons truffle oil
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper, plus more for serving
• 1/2 cup heavy cream

“Gnocchi”:

Combine all of the ingredients in a large bowl and refrigerate until the ‘dough’ holds the shape of a ball when rolled between your hands, at least 1 hour.

On a lightly floured surface roll the dough into long strips and pinch off 1-inch pieces (the same size as regular gnocchi). Work fast or your dough will start to become super tough to work with! Put the gnocchi on a plate and put back into the refrigerator for at least 1 hour.

Pesto Sauce:

While the gnocchi is resting, make the pesto sauce by combining all of the ingredients in a blender and pulsing until combined. Set aside.

Bring a large pot of water to a rolling boil over medium heat on the stovetop. Drop in the gnocchi, a few at a time, and watch for them to rise to the surface of the pot. After 1 minute at the top of the pot, about 3 minutes total, remove them with a slotted spoon to a serving bowl. Top with the pesto cream sauce and a dash of cracked pepper and serve.

• Well, it is officially that time of year.  Summer, the season for Bbq’s and inappropriate clothing (yeah, you, no one wants to see that).  I am going to focus on the food here and introduce you to a wonderful summertime appetizer.  My crab snow cone served on ice, so hold the red dye #5 and get choppin!

You’ll need:

• 1 pound chopped crabmeat
• 1 bell pepper, seeded and finely chopped
• 2 cups finely chopped mango flesh
• 1/2 cup finely chopped red onion
• 1/4 cup chopped green onions
• 2 lemons, juiced
• 1/4 cup chopped cilantro leaves
• 1 teaspoon specialty salt (recommended: Hawaiian Lava salt…’cause I am fancy like that)
• 1 chopped serrano or jalapeno pepper, or to taste
• 1 teaspoon fine sugar
• Dash hot sauce
• Ice, for serving
• Special equipment: 2 1/2-inch metal cones

Directions:

Combine all of the above ingredients, except the ice, and refrigerate for at least 1 hour.

Fill a large serving glass bowl with ice.

Stuff 8 to 10 deep metal cones with the crab mixture. If metal cones are not available, you can make your own snow cones out of wax coated paper. Arrange the cones in the ice bowl and serve.

Happy Cinco De Mayo everyone, to celebrate we’re going on a virtual trip down South.  Just because the US Government advises we don’t go to Mexico anytime soon, doesn’t mean we can’t bring Mexico’s finest exports to us.  

Here on Things Your Mother Never Taught You we believe if you only learn how to make three things in your adult life they should be the following:

1. Margies:  Mexico’s alternative to Prozac.

2. Guacamole: Mexico’s alternative to vegetables.  (FYI-french onion dip does not fulfill that requirement just because it has onion in the title).

3. Piñata- After a few Margies you can beat it and instead of going to jail you get prizes…Mexico’s alternative to violent alcoholics!  You don’t really even have to learn to make this…just stuff it with candy.

OLÉ!

Margies:

Click here for a video by yours truly on how to make kick ass Mango Margaritas!

Guacamole:

What you need:

2 RIPE avocados with the insides scooped out
½ cup sour cream
2 tablespoons lime juice
1 teaspoon course salt
1 to 2 dashes of Tabasco…depending on your heat tolerance
½ cup chopped tomatoes
2 tablespoons chopped cilantro
3 tablespoons diced onion

What to do:

Mash everything together and ENJOY!

xo Brooke Peterson