Snookie and I have something in common and it is not our mutual respect for the slimming effects of a good spray tan. We both believe that cookies offer enough subsidence that they are a viable meal replacement. Her weird cookie diet is by some quack named Dr. Siegal. Well I can put a Dr. in front of my name and make up my own cookie diet too. Hello I am Dr. BrookieP and this is the French Macroon Diet and every one who has tried immediately looses weight.*

*This statement has in no way been evaluated by the FDA. I am not really sure that I have to add that but since I have seen it on late night infomercials that promise dramatic weight loss by means that seem utterly preposterous I though it would be good to include here too.

What you’ll need:

2 ¼ cups Powdered Sugar

2 cups almond flour

2 tablespoons superfine sugar

5 Egg whites, at room temperature

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 200 degrees. Combine the confectioners’ sugar and almond flour in a medium bowl. Beat the egg whites in the clean dry bowl of a stand mixer until they hold soft peaks. Slowly add the granulated sugar and beat until the mixture holds stiff peaks, about 7 minutes Spoon the mixture into a Ziploc bag with a corner cut off. It’s easiest to fill your bag if you stand it up in a tall glass and fold the top down before spooning in the batter.

Pipe one-inch-sized mounds of batter onto baking sheets lined with parchment paper. Bake the macaroon for 5 minutes. Remove the pan from the oven and raise the temperature to 375 degrees. Once the oven is up to temperature, put the pans back in the oven and bake for an additional 7 to 8 minutes, or lightly colored. Cool on a rack before filling.

There are a lot of annoying things about living in Los Angeles…Freeways often referred to as parking lots, women who seem to think that the answer to what makes you happy is 32 double E , people whose job titles include slashes * (I am a model/ actress, I am a writer/producer, I am a stripper/preschool teacher), but by far the most annoying thing about living in L.A. is the damn Vegans. Oh how I loathe thee. They are converting new members in Los Angeles like a Mormon missionary to the hungry offering up Jesus and crackers. With that in mind I have decided to write you guys a little note from the carnivores:

Dear Vegan friends,

There a couple things that you should know that none of us have been willing to say to you but since you insist on telling me the process through which the chicken in my chicken sandwich goes through in the slaughter house I feel it only fair that I ‘share’ a little with you too. LEAVE ME ALONE. I like cheeseburgers and I will not apologize for it any longer. And if you are going to try to ruin my meal every time I eat something that you want to name and make your pet then I am going to ruin yours too. For starters you guys all smell a little bit funky. I don’t know if the official vegan body wash is a mixture of B.O and hemp but you are ruining my meal with that stank. And stop shoving your agenda down my throat. You have become like that annoying cousin who gets out of rehab and then proceeds to tell everyone to stop drinking. I didn’t end up face down in the gutters of Tijuana after a three day bender for either alcohol or meat so if you need to go on a little detox that’s your deal but I will be having a martini and steak for dinner and I don’t want your damn lecture about my MARTINI OR MY STEAK…so back off bitches.

But as I learned in catholic school you can love the sinner and hate the sin (or as I like to call it the churches way of being exceptionally hateful to their gay congregants) So for my Vegan pals out there I give you figs…which still taste better stuffed with cheese but whatever.

* I also consider myself a job title slasher so I guess writer/ chef/ hypocrite is what I will be putting on my business cards this year!

Hazelnut and Agave Nectar Roasted Figs

What you’ll need:

6 large figs

1 cup Hazelnuts, toasted

Agave Nectar

Sea salt

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Wash, slice, and stem the figs and arrange in a baking dish or cookie sheet. Drizzle with agave nectar and add a pinch of sea salt to each fig half. Roast for 15-20 minutes until they begin to brown. Toast the hazelnuts on a dry skillet for about 1 minute and then chop. Drizzle agave nectar over the figs and top with hazelnut pieces.