I love red lipstick because it accomplishes so much with so little. For 5.99 a tube (danke, Loreal) you can put the sexy back in your step and make your bad self stand out at night—just ask any ‘working lady.’ It can leave a territorial marker on your mate—better than a golf club, Elin.* And now it can be used to decorate your abode. Just spell out holiday-appropriate words on mirrored surfaces around your casa and wait for “Oh my god, you’re, like, sooo creative!” compliments from your peeps.

* On a side note I would like to say that as a general policy Things Your Mother Never Taught You does not get involved in domestic disputes, but Tiger, you don’t cheat ON the hot Swedish nanny, you cheat WITH the hot Swedish nannny.

Holiday Parties are good times for two reasons: Egg nog and Mistletoe. Usually eggnog is the catalyst for mistletoe mania, but what if you are Mormon, Baptist, or Amish and there is no liquor available at your shindig? Well then obviously you will have to use sex appeal to get ya some. And that means…

COCKTAIL DRESSES!!!

Here are the BrookieP tricks of the trade. Let us begin.

1. This is the most artistic freedom you are entitled to all year in terms of ‘fancy dress,’ and to let that go to waste would be a shame. Big bows? Generally not appropriate for a thirty-year-old woman unless you are playing naughty schoolgirl with your significant other—but for the holidays, bring it on! Bedazzles, beads, and feathers are also acceptable for holidays ladieswear… and for guest appearances on Dancing with the Stars, with no gender specifications.

2. If you are poor, buy one fabulous black dress, and killer bright shoes, and clutches in two colors.  If you are really poor, buy wraps in two different colors instead of the shoe/clutch scenario to get two uses for your cocktail dress. If you are really really poor, buy the tightest cocktail dress you can find and someone will eventually buy your accessories for you. I am not advocating prostitution so please don’t send me angry emails… it’s a joke… kinda.

3. The Holiday Dress should be sexy, not slutty… you know who you are. If you bend over and it looks like a Georgia O’Keefe painting leave it for ‘club night.’ This is also not the time to go sans bra and panties… you also know who you are. Which brings me to the most important message for today: Your cocktail dress is not about the actual dress—it’s about showing off your kick-ass bod, and since none of us were born perfect (Victoria’s Secret Bitches excluded) invest in two things before all else… Spanx and chicken cutlets. These shape wear garments will suck you in, and the silicone booby inserts are about as much of a personal guarantee as I give to get yourself some holiday tonsil hockey.

I love these party dresses below, which are available at edressme.com.

May you find a dress this season that makes you feel fabulous, sisters!

The winter weather can dry you out quicker than a trip to Betty Ford, so exfoliating and mosturizing are key to staying snuggley soft. I love sugar scrubs because they dissolve in the shower and they make me feel like a cupcake in a good way. Here is my favorite homemade sugar scrub for snow season:

Brown Sugar Body Scrub

-2 cups Brown Sugar

-1 cup course white sugar

-2 tablespoons peppermint oil

-1 cup baby oil

Mix everything and place in glass jar with a lid in your shower. Scrub and rinse!

P.S. This makes a great little gift. Just wrap a little bow around it and call it a day!

The Holidays are damn expensive. As if it’s not enough that I have to liquor up and feed everyone, all the extra little expenses can really add up. So, I would like to take this opportunity to say that, for the holidays, that I will not be giving gifts this year. In lieu of gifts, I have made a donation in each of your names to the Brooke Peterson Kick-Ass Shoe Fund. It is a charity that is near and dear to me, and I know you are all touched by my thoughtfulness and generosity. Just kidding, you greedy little brats. As usual, I will be cutting corners to save money for my Gifts and Presents Fund, and that means a trip to the dollar store.

DON’T YOU JUDGE ME! Yes, it smells like formaldehyde.  Yes, I sometimes get a weird eye infection when I leave there.* No, the person behind the counter usually does not have a full set of teeth, or strong understanding of personal hygiene, but these are my people, the dollar store peeps, and I will not abandon them.

Seriously though, if you want to get more bang for your buck than a Vietnamese call girl, the dollar store is your sweet spot for saving money this jingle bell season, because you need extra everything.  Here are my dollar store must-haves, table tips, and party favors… If you are going to risk an eye to save a buck, you better make it count.

1. This is the place to get all the crap that your neighborhood grocer enjoys bending you over and sticking it to you: Paper towels, extra t.p., clean-up supplies like Windex and Ajax… The only thing to stay away from is the garbage bags, because they are so weak that Mary Kate Olsen’s appetizer plate would cause them burst open.

2. Grab as many candles as you can afford, and at a dollar a piece, that should be plenty. You will use them as them all season, and when guests come over, as it is quicker to light a few candles than to run out for flowers.

3. Dishes. Sounds weird but these guys have gold chargers, porcelain bowls, wine glasses, etc. Look through your stock at home and see where you are sparse. Rule of thumb: I only buy white dishes, clear glass wear, and everything else in mixable colors like gold, silver, and taupe. It helps things look like they match even when they don’t. Plus, someone always ends up tanked and breaking shit, and if the victim dishware is not part of a set, it makes me less likely to act violently.

4. Centerpieces can be done here on the cheap. As a general rule, I only buy foodstuffs for display from here, but they do cheap bags of lemons, oranges, and cranberries for simple and chic pieces. I also like to do giant bags of colorful dollar store candy to place in large glass containers on the kids’ tables at holiday events. Have containers on hand to turn said candy display into take-home party favors.

5. I have found that giving gifts in bags from the Hustler store takes away from the “specialness” of the season. You can load up on wrapping supplies at the dollar store and keep them in a drawer… Viola, girl has herself a holiday wrapping center!

6. Last but not least, this is where you should pick up all those pesky little ball ornaments that break EVERY DAMN YEAR! They add pizzazz to your holiday decor, and when they are this cheap, you can come up lots of fun way to display them!

That’s a nice starter list for you bargain hunting bitches. See ya tomorrow, same time, same place… unless I find something better to do.

*To be fair to the store that has given me so much at such a discount, I have a bad habit of rubbing my eyes and only a total freakin’ moron goes with in 100 yards of that place with out industrial hand sanitizer. I learned my lesson on the 3^rd infection. I ain’t one of those ‘quick learners.’