It is the circle of life, and for the turkey, it is coming to a close. I feel for you, my friend, as I am mostly appreciated for my breasts as well. It’s a tough calling card but someone has to do it. LET’S BAKE A BIRD.

For Da Bird!!!

Allow one pound per person plus 2, which will give you a decent amount of leftovers. So for this 10-person extravaganza, pick your turkey-toting ass up a twelve-pounder.

-2 cups orange juice

-3 cups of beer…I like a nice hiefeweisen

-12 pound turkey

-1/2 cup honey

-1/2 cup butter…this is NO time to count calories… get on board fatty

-2 cups of fresh herbs (I usually do rosemary, sage, mint and basil)

-I whole head of garlic chopped in half

-1 orange cut in quarters

-1 lemon cut in half

Seasoning Mix

- 2 tablespoons salt

- 3 tablespoons brown sugar

- 2 tablespoons course black pepper

Assuming your bird is of the frozen persuasion, you need to put it in the fridge right now!!! It takes two days to defrost that portly little 12-pounder (basically 24 hrs per 5 pounds). Put it in a basting pan to catch any liquid… Unless you are planning on giving salmonella as a party favor, LEAVE THE PLASTIC WRAP ON. Once Big Bird is defrosted, you are ready to begin.

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees.

2. Check to make sure oven is preheated to 325… At least one time in your domesticated life you will forget to turn on the oven so walk your sexy self back over there and check the freakin’ ON switch!

3. Remove your bird from the plastic and clean out all the insides. Some people keep these and cook with them. Totally foul if you ask me. Toss those turkey guts.

4. Marinate the turkey in the beer and orange juice for an hour. Save one cup of the marinade.

5. Place turkey into roasting pan and stuff with the herbs, lemon, orange, and garlic.

6. Coat the outside of the turkey generously with butter and then drizzle with honey.

7. Sprinkle with all the seasoning mix and make sure that baby is well coated.

8. Pop it in the roasting pan and add the marinade juice to the bottom.

9. Cover with heavy duty aluminum foil and bake for an hour and half.

10. Remove aluminum foil and baste with juices in the pan and cook for another hour and half.

11. ALWAYS let turkey stand for at least 20 minutes before carving

Look who just made a turkey!!! Call your mother-in-law and tell her you CAN cook and that you are NOT a cheap tramp! Ok well at least tell her you can cook.

Even though my site is called Things Your Mother Never Taught You, I have to admit that I learned almost everything I know from my mother. Wait, that’s not true. I learned how to do everything ‘the right way’ from my mother. I would then take said lessons and cut every possible corner from time to money, and do it the ‘Oh (insert sigh here) Honey’ way. I once pulled out hot glue to hem my pants, and by her reaction, you would’ve thought that I’d tied off and shot myself up with heroine while simultaneously making internet porn and clubbing baby seals.

That being said, even she had some tricks to getting your festive on for the holidays without climbing a god damn ladder or using anything inflatable resembling a turkey, pilgrim, or a cornucopia (which, let’s just be honest, always ends up looking like a penis with a spray tan that curves slightly to the left.) One of my Mom’s signature moves was decorating with candlelight. I think our Mormon neighbors thought we were holding a seance every time T-day rolled around. Which, in my mother’s own words, “is fine because people who don’t believe in happy hour are not to be trusted.” On both points, I agree with mama… Yes to candles, yes to happy hour.

Here are my Mom’s best tips and rules for lighting up your pied-à-terre. In the words of my utterly fantastic mentor and mother, Roma Peterson, who is no longer with us, “Look alive baby girl! This is the fun stuff!”

These are Roma’s Rules:

1. People focus on the entryway to your house, and on the dining table. Start at the entryway with luminaries. Grab a handful of lunch bags and fill the bottom of each one with an inch of sand. Place a tea light inside and viola you got yourself a fancy lit up walk way. Do not be a moron and put these inside unless you want to your casa to go up in flames.

2. In the entryway, if you want something singular with a lot of ‘Wow’ factor, try doing glass containers filled with water and floating candles. If you can’t find floating candles, you can float regular pillar candles in cranberries.

3. Tabletops are always best done with candles with two reasons:  First, everyone looks better by candlelight. Some people should never be shown in high definition T.V., and the same applies for the halogen lighting in your dining room. Your Aunt Kate’s ‘natural lip enhancement’ will still look like Lisa Rinna after a hard night, but it will be more bearable in the amber glow of candlelight. Trust me. The second reason for candles on the table is that they make unbelievable chic and cheap centerpieces. Some of my favorite ways to use them: Write letters on them for sayings, hang them from branches in small mason jars, and tuck tea lights into fruits and pumpkins.

It’s the Final Countdown… Dunna na na Da da da da da… Final countdown… It’s a week away! It’s a week away! It’s a week away!

THANKSGIVING!!!!

I am not spending it with my family so I can leave the valium and vodka at home. Or, at least the valium. I am, however, spending it with my partner-in-crime’s gianormous Jewish family. They’re not what you would call the Q.W.T. (quiet waspy type). And, since I am an overbearing Jewish mother’s worst nightmare (blonde, big rack and even bigger mouth… oh yeah, and a shiksa), I am going to be extra helpful on Thanksgiving, which works out well because I have Thanksgiving down to a science… a drunken, lethargic, tryptophan-induced, ‘God I will never eat this much again, OK just one more slice of pie’ science.

So, I thought for the next week here on Things Your Mother Never Taught You we would do a one week prep for the food superbowl otherwise known as Turkey Day.

Since we are a week out, today is going to be all about getting your bar in order. Why? Because liquor doesn’t go bad, and if your food goes to shit you can just over pour the cocktails until your uncle Bob starts getting handsy. Seriously Bob. It’s not ‘ok’ in Arkansas.  Put the mulled wine down and learn to hug appropriately.

At the seven-day mark in the T-Day countdown, this is the perfect time to make your infused vodka and for next week. I think that Cranberry Vodka sets the tone, plus it looks spectacular. Here’s what you have to know:

1. Grab 2 bags of cranberries, 1 pound cubed pineapple, and 2 quartered oranges and toss those puppies into your glass jug (use one with a spigot like the one pictured here.)

2. Dump two liters of cheap vodka on top and toss thee lid on thee jar. I like to play Russian techno music at this part and pretend to be a wild Ukrainian supermodel at secret underground dance club/distillery but it’s not really necessary for the vodka… More of a personal thing!

3. Put it on a counter out of direct sunlight and forget about it until next Thursday!

Your task today is done, you domestic goddess, you. Just follow my lead and we will have you all set for your day of thanks… You can thank me later.

P.S. Thanks to everyone who watched Rachael Ray yesterday. I made it five whole minutes on national T.V. without saying something inappropriate! Way to go BrookieP, way to go.

Hold on to your Santa hats, folks… Someone allowed me on national television. So today on Rachael Ray you can catch me giving Holiday tips and tricks, and here’s one of my favorites.

For those of you who are little short on holiday decorations, you can let those annoying ‘oh my god look at how cute we are in our matching sweaters’ card people make themselves useful.

1. Grab some string, ribbon, or twine and tie it between two objects at least a 1 ½  feet apart. I like festive vases. Or tie it from end to end of your fireplace mantle.

2. Pick your bad-ass holiday decorating self up some clothes pins (laundry aisle of the grocery store) and put some ‘jazz hands’ on ‘em. Which basically means, glue whatever you’ve got on hand to the top of the clothes pin. I like the little blue snowflakes pictured here because a retarded monkey could cut them out of any paper you have on hand. But, of course, feel free to go wild. This project is an acceptable time to bust out the glitter. On a side note if you are a stripper anytime is an appropriate time to bust out the glitter… Every job has it perks, ladies!

3. Clip cards to your clothesline. Only put up the attractive people though. What? Too far? Nope. Just right.

Hope ya’all catch the show today and thanks in advance for all the nice flowers, notes, cards, chocolates, subscriptions to the Wine of the Month Club, and envelopes stuffed with cash that you sent as congratulatory gifts.

Things Your Mother Never Taught You

1. 1. In life, cooking is optional, eating is not. If you lose your take-out menus, grab a recipe from Eat Me to ease your hunger pains.
2. 2. Saturdays are for parties or hangovers… I am a fan of both. Check out the weekly post under Saturdays for ways to do it all.
3. 3. Kim Kardashian’s ass is available without a gym membership… just clickety-click on Do Me.
4. 4. What you wear—and how you live—should be a matter of taste, not budget, ’cause money does not buy taste… does it, Ms. Hilton? Try Wear Me or Live in Me to put this nugget of wisdom to the test.
5. 5. Food should be Cheap N’ Easy like Carrie Prejan (I do, however, believe in a food’s right to marry a food of the same sex, just for the record.) I show you how to make meals for 5 bucks, in 5 minutes with 5 ingredients on our web show Cheap N’ Easy.
6. 6. Cocktails should be made in bulk. There is no joke here—some things are too serious to mess with. On your way to Costco to pick up tequila, check out Drink Me for my must-know mixology.
7. 7. If you don’t have something nice to say, it is probably damn funny.  If I don’t have something nice to say it will be damn funny and WILL appear in my weekly column called Yeah, I said It.
8. 8. There are some very wise women out there, including mothers other than yours. Let some of the smartest, coolest women I know—and some I’d like to know, like Maria Shriver and Michelle Obama—offer up some sage advice under Wise Women.
9. 9. It’s totally acceptable not to read ‘real stuff’ like newspapers and books. But if you decide you want to absorb a little sumthin sumthin in the way of literature (by my definition, anyway) check out Read Me.
10. 10. There are tricks that can make any woman look like a chef,   decorator, party planner, fashionista, and overall pulled-together grown-up… and I can teach a little something about the first four! Use Tips & Tricks as your cheatsheet to fake you through it, my dear.

So come on in, take off your shoes, browse around, and root through my drawers like you do when your man’s in the shower. You will read about everything on our top ten list, plus I’ll teach you how to get an entire room full of people drunk for less than the cost of dinner and a movie. What more do you people want from me?!? Free martinis for every registered subscriber? Yeah, I thought of that too, but apparently that’s not what they call ‘advertiser friendly.’ 

I hope you all find something to take away and something to bring you back.

Love ya’all like a fat kid loves cake… Cheers!

Brooke Peterson

It’s true, black is the new black. Every ‘it girl’ on the planet seems to be bitch-slappin’ some noir lacquer up in their abode. It has always been against the rules to paint interiors black because ‘Franz the decorator’ said ‘but darling it makes the space seem teensy weensy.’ Well, guess what Franz? Apparently you can suck it because it doesn’t make spaces seem small and claustrophobic—it actually makes it them feel cozy and sexy. I like it in unexpected places like the bathroom or kitchen a la Kelly Werstler. For those of you who want to dip your toe in the can, as they say, try it above your fireplace for a trial run. 

The holidays seem to be the time when people think its kosher to pull the old ‘We were in the neighborhood!’  B.S. and do an unannounced drop-by. To ease your pain, I have a little something you can keep on hand to feed these pests—I mean guests—before you get their ‘haven’t you ever heard of a phone’ asses out the door!

Goat Cheese Spread

- Combine four oz. goat cheese with 8 oz. ricotta and toss in a little salt, pepper, and garlic powder to taste. 

You spread this ridiculous goodness on crackers, baguette, or fruit and when your visitors-without-boundaries ask where you got this delectable spread, you can say ‘I learned how to make it at my cooking class that I am actually late for! Such a bummer that we all have to leave. If you would have CALLED beforehand I would have let you know, but at least ya got a little snack!’ …Or something a little less passive-aggressive. Your call!

Sometimes Mama just doesn’t have the time, money, or energy to do a full bar. My alternative has become making one signature cocktail in bulk… ‘cause my alcoholic friends are expensive and my food tastes better if you’re drunk! Here are three libations that are easy to make in bulk. I’m like a Costco of cocktails!

Vodka Mint Lemonade

1 can frozen lemonade concentrate
36 oz. citrus soda (Sprite, 7-up, Fresca)
1 quart of Vodka…yeah baby!
4 tablespoons chopped mint
Toss everything into a pitcher and throw a couple of cups of ice into that puppy. Garnish the glasses with a sprig of mint or lemon slice. If you are going big time do both ‘cause you are crazy like that!
Sangria

1 bottle cheap red wine
4 cups chopped fruit (lemons, oranges, limes, and stone fruits work best)
4 tablespoons brandy
Toss everything into the pitcher and throw it into the fridge for about 2 hours. Take it out and put in 4 cups of ice. Serve this baby up with a little orange garnish and pretend to be a hot Spanish chick for the rest of the evening.
Piña Colada

1 quart pre-made pina colada mixer
16 oz. of light rum (cheap kind ladies!)
3 tablespoon vanilla coffee creamer
1 small can diced pineapple
5 cups ice

Toss it all in the blender. While blending you will OBVIOUSLY sing ‘If you like pina coladas’. Serve your tropical orgasm in a glass and garnish this mofo with some pineapple.

Ever meet the girl who seems to have the perfect closet? Just the right amount of wicked tall stilettos in proportion to her sensible little Chanel flats and Havaianas? Well screw her. I hate her. My life feels like an endless quest to the day when I will be able to shut the door to my closet and say DONE! Never going to happen because Vogue comes out every month and, like a diabetic needs insulin, I need me the latest and greatest of whatever Anna Wintour is hawking that month. (Usually in the knock-off version because really who spends $1200 on a freaking skirt? That’s why all those NY fashion girls are so damn skinny, by the way. They spent all their money on YSL instead of a sandwich.)

I have decided this is the year where I become Anne Hathaway in the car at the end of Paris fashion week where she tells Meryl Streep to suck it. I will become the girl with the perfect wardrobe and I will leave Ms. Wintour and my closet envy behind like last season’s Choos. I just need a little help…

> Three Black Skirts: For the girl who is just starting out in the this thing we call ‘the real world.’ This is the book my mother gave me when I left home for college and it is a brilliant collection of all things girlie, like how to build a wardrobe with three black skirts. Genius for the budget crowd.

> The One Hundred: The ultimate acquisition list. Some of Ms. Garcia’s items are for those who do not have to worry about putting money into their 401k. But for the most part, the editor of Marie Claire gave us all a wish list with some attainable items and a few ‘holy shit that’s expensive’ investment pieces.

> The Lucky Style Guide: This is for the chica who needs to decide what her look will be…are you bohemian (I am not…. that hippie ‘Jane Birkin’ look only works well on girls without tatas) or American Classic Miss Jackie O? Whatever your thing is, this guide helps you lock it down.

Mom may have told you to update your closet every season and invest in ‘classic pieces,’ but what if you can’t even pay your dry cleaning bill? Seriously, they won’t give me my fall peacoat and I am chilly. Karma is a bitch, Sunset Cleaners! And don’t even get me started with Saks Fifth. Apparently you can’t buy new shoes until you pay for the last pair… that you bought in June… ‘07.

So, I thought I would attempt to do a little wardrobe revamp. Here are some ways to give your wardrobe an update without having to be wary of getting a snippy call from VISA where they might as well say… “Do you ever plan on paying this thing off?”

1. No-Sew Tape: Changing hemlines for the sewing-impaired for centuries

You can change the hemline on jeans, skirts, and pants. It is also awesome for keeping draped items in place and tweaking their shape.

2. Rite Dye: How that hideous mustard yellow bridesmaid dress became your new little black dress

Buy the dye at any fabric store and read the directions but basically ya just toss it into the wash with whichever garment you want to dye. Here are few quick tips for this:

• * Make sure the garment that you are dying is washable!
• * Always pick a dye color that is darker than the original color
• * Run an empty cycle on your wash machine after your dye cycle

P.s. This is also great for getting a set of matching colored garments in your wardrobe. For example throw an old black turtleneck, leggings, socks, t-shirt, etc. in one load and then all your blacks will match perfectly this winter!

3. Accessories: Big Pieces… Little Cost

Any chick worth her salt knows accessories bring drama quicker than Courtney Love. However, girls, here are three things you might not know however girls about accessories for fall:

> Rachel Roy has just launched her line at Macy’s. For those of you who have been living in a cave, Rachel is a fashion goddess who has an incredible knack for making pieces that just make you feel freakin’ rock star cool. Check her stuff out at Macy’s for designer taste at a non-designer price.

–

> Target does the same thing with their accessory designers that they do with their Boutique designers and right now they have Hollywood Intuition which is the perfect wardrobe pick-me-up with oversized sunglasses, snake skin totes, and sophisticated leather bracelets. Check ‘em out at Target.com

–

> Continuing with the trend of Rachels, Rachel Zoe has launched a line on QVC. Now although I feel Miss Zoe should be a little more concerned with eating a sandwich than designing an accessories collection… the collection is fabulous. It is a modern take on old Hollywood glam meets Boho, and just one of these very reasonably priced accessories will put some serious wow in your wardrobe. Try the faux fur vest… just trust me.

4. DIY to the stale-wardrobe rescue.

Here are two great tricks to turn old stuff into hot new stuff:

SCARF TANKS

MAKE YOUR OWN CLUTCH

Happy Wardrobe Redo… you may now answer your phone without anxiety!