I am not sure if the cooler weather in the fall makes people wanna cuddle more or what, but there seem to be a disproportionately high number of birthdays in the Spring.  

Some are close friends, but some of the birthday parties I have attended lead me to dream up a use for that underused hall closet.  I call it my I don’t know you well enough to get a personalized gift closet.  Also known as the shit I forgot we had to go to a dinner party, thanks for telling the police that I was totally at your house at all night, congrats on your conversion wickenism closet.

My name is Brooke Peterson and I forgot your birthday.

Here are the things you need to give gifts on the fly so people like you and think you are exceptionally thoughtful. 

1. A supply of stock gifts such as wine, candles, and picture frames.  I also like to keep a few unexpected things that I now know I can expect to use like board games, cds, photo books by Taschen.

2. Ribbon and scissors

3. Bags, wrapping paper, tissue and tags

4. Blank cards and Pens

All of these item can be bought at the dollar store with the exception of the stock gifts.  

Now you too can give gifts to people you would have otherwise told …”I totally had something for you but I left it on the counter at home!”

Looking for the best way to serve lemonade, brighten up an old dingy table, or infuse some springtime color into your house full of Winter blues?   Colored serving trays!! These wooden trays from West Elm start at $22 and will take you through the Spring in style!  Also, they might also plant the seed in your partners head that you’d like all meals breakfast in bed every single day every once in a while.

For those of you still trying to keep up with your New Year’s Resolution Punishment Diet, I say stop trying to be Kate Moss (it’s no longer 1994 people) and make yourself a salad that doesn’t consist of lettuce and lemon juice.  Cantaloupe Salad is one of my favorites and very easy to make.

 What You Need:

2 cups diced cantaloupe

1-cup feta cheese

1 handful chopped mint

8 ounces diced proscuitto

2 tablespoons olive oil

½ teaspoon sugar

¼ teaspoon salt

Directions:

Combine ingredients and garnish with mint!  This is an easy one.  Here at Things Your Mother never Taught You we believe there is no need to be complicated unless you are the protaganist in an Avril Lavine song.

An Open Letter to McDonald’s

Dear Mr. McDonald’s,

You are such a typical man.  Last night I went through your drive-thru and got myself a little chocolate crack in a cup or milkshake as I believe you call it.   I went to sleep happy and with a full tummy, a blood glucose level that is definitely illegal in Utah and possibly some other tea party states, but happy nonetheless knowing that a sausage biscuit McSomething awaited me in the morning…like you said.   But at 10:15am when I ponied up to your drive thru window you were nowhere to be found.  Where is my porky goodness and why is some stranger offering me a cheeseburger.  WTF???  No, no, no!   I do not want a cheeseburger at 10:15 in the freakin’ morning.  Rush Limbaugh wouldn’t even eat a cheeseburger in the morning…unless you made vicodin your new ‘special sauce’.  

Screw You, Ronald McDonald!  

We are OVER!  I am making my own sausage scrumptiousness and I will not get drunk and call you just to see how your doing and then come over for a chocolate “milkshake” and believe that you will be there in the morning. I won’t fall for it…again.

Sincerely,

Brookie P  

Cinnamon Sausage Biscuits

2 cups all purpose flour

3 tablespoons sugar

1-teaspoon salt

2 teaspoons baking powder

1-tablespoon cinnamon

½ teaspoon nutmeg

1 pound cooked pork sausage

1-cup sharp cheddar cheese

½ teaspoon vanilla

2 cups heavy cream

Directions

1. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees

2. Combine all dry ingredients in a mixing bowl

3. Add in sausage and cheese

4. Add vanilla to the heavy cream in a separate bowl

5. Slowly begin to incorporate liquid into dry ingredients until mixture begins to form a dough ball in the center of the bowl.

6. On a floured surface begin to roll dough out and square off the edges with a knife.

7. Cut dough in 2×2 squares and place on non-stick cookie sheet

8. Bake for 20 minutes or until lightly golden

These little puppies are a good time to bust out the butter and/or maple syrup and forget about the diet.

Ahh Springtime…  A season for cute bunnies, pastels and last and totally but not least Spring Cleaning.

I am big on rewarding yourself in life.  Had a good week on your diet? Eat a candy bar!  Finally paid off your credit card? Mama needs a new dress!  Just completed a 12 step program? Have a cocktail….oh take a joke.

Here are some fun little finds to spruce up your life after you have cleaned out your abode, and by you I obviously mean the friendly folks at your neighborhood cleaning service.  That’s a joke.  Just not sure which part.  

As you’ll see, the next several posts will be dedicated to Springtime and some new ways to spruce up your digs. 

Spring find numero uno:  

Leafy Sticky Notes-  Add a little life to your bookshelves! These green grass sticky notes called Green Markers are from Japanese designer Yuruliku are a beautiful Spring alternative to bookmarks and at 700 yen (8ish dollars) these are inexpensive way bring in the green!

Everyone always says to get flowers in the house for Spring…  Well that can get a little pricey every week, so one of my must have products this Spring are these beautiful decorative branches from Saveoncrafts.  These branches give you a fresh look in place of flowers and last ALL SEASON!!!

These vinyl walls decals are fantastico for putting some punch on your walls for Spring. I found a bunch at walls need love; but they seem to be popping up everywhere.  With over 200 images of floral, greenery, and abstract decals there is something for everyone… They are great for spicing up that rental pad where you’ve been hesitant to do anything permanent. Also at $14-72 dollars a pop these puppies can be stuck up in the spring and changed in the fall!  

I love candles all year long but the weather in the Spring (look up, see rain!) can make it impossible to keep candles on the porch. These new LED candles give you great ambient light for any Spring night and never burn out or care if they get wet!  The one I found is from Kmart and at $9.95 you can buy a few!

One of the tough things about Springtime is attempting to guess what the weather is going to bring us.  You’re really letting me down Al Roker.  Enter the Fire and Ice Pit!  It rocks!  It solves all those unpredictable weather problems and at $59.95 is a big piece added to your outdoor area with only a little commitment from your wallet.   Since it is chilly today, check out my S’Mores video (filed under Videos) and go camping in your backyard!  OK, ok I make those in the microwave, but it’ll put you in the mood.  Sorry, but I dont have a video of beers in an ice bucket.  That’s for you to figure out on your own.  

NOTE: Things Your Mother Never Taught You does not condone using the firepit indoors, as “rad” as that seems dont do it.  We wont be posting quick tips to get soot out of your walls anytime soon.

Wanna spruce up your kitchen for springtime? Try Aspects Peel and Stick Metal Tiles (www.aspectideas.com).  These tiles can cover almost any old surface including old tile and give any old kitchen a fresh designer look…and at $20 for a box 8 you may find a lot of surfaces that you think need to be redone!