I love red lipstick because it accomplishes so much with so little. For 5.99 a tube (danke, Loreal) you can put the sexy back in your step and make your bad self stand out at night—just ask any ‘working lady.’ It can leave a territorial marker on your mate—better than a golf club, Elin.* And now it can be used to decorate your abode. Just spell out holiday-appropriate words on mirrored surfaces around your casa and wait for “Oh my god, you’re, like, sooo creative!” compliments from your peeps.

* On a side note I would like to say that as a general policy Things Your Mother Never Taught You does not get involved in domestic disputes, but Tiger, you don’t cheat ON the hot Swedish nanny, you cheat WITH the hot Swedish nannny.

Holiday Parties are good times for two reasons: Egg nog and Mistletoe. Usually eggnog is the catalyst for mistletoe mania, but what if you are Mormon, Baptist, or Amish and there is no liquor available at your shindig? Well then obviously you will have to use sex appeal to get ya some. And that means…

COCKTAIL DRESSES!!!

Here are the BrookieP tricks of the trade. Let us begin.

1. This is the most artistic freedom you are entitled to all year in terms of ‘fancy dress,’ and to let that go to waste would be a shame. Big bows? Generally not appropriate for a thirty-year-old woman unless you are playing naughty schoolgirl with your significant other—but for the holidays, bring it on! Bedazzles, beads, and feathers are also acceptable for holidays ladieswear… and for guest appearances on Dancing with the Stars, with no gender specifications.

2. If you are poor, buy one fabulous black dress, and killer bright shoes, and clutches in two colors.  If you are really poor, buy wraps in two different colors instead of the shoe/clutch scenario to get two uses for your cocktail dress. If you are really really poor, buy the tightest cocktail dress you can find and someone will eventually buy your accessories for you. I am not advocating prostitution so please don’t send me angry emails… it’s a joke… kinda.

3. The Holiday Dress should be sexy, not slutty… you know who you are. If you bend over and it looks like a Georgia O’Keefe painting leave it for ‘club night.’ This is also not the time to go sans bra and panties… you also know who you are. Which brings me to the most important message for today: Your cocktail dress is not about the actual dress—it’s about showing off your kick-ass bod, and since none of us were born perfect (Victoria’s Secret Bitches excluded) invest in two things before all else… Spanx and chicken cutlets. These shape wear garments will suck you in, and the silicone booby inserts are about as much of a personal guarantee as I give to get yourself some holiday tonsil hockey.

I love these party dresses below, which are available at edressme.com.

May you find a dress this season that makes you feel fabulous, sisters!

The winter weather can dry you out quicker than a trip to Betty Ford, so exfoliating and mosturizing are key to staying snuggley soft. I love sugar scrubs because they dissolve in the shower and they make me feel like a cupcake in a good way. Here is my favorite homemade sugar scrub for snow season:

Brown Sugar Body Scrub

-2 cups Brown Sugar

-1 cup course white sugar

-2 tablespoons peppermint oil

-1 cup baby oil

Mix everything and place in glass jar with a lid in your shower. Scrub and rinse!

P.S. This makes a great little gift. Just wrap a little bow around it and call it a day!

The Holidays are damn expensive. As if it’s not enough that I have to liquor up and feed everyone, all the extra little expenses can really add up. So, I would like to take this opportunity to say that, for the holidays, that I will not be giving gifts this year. In lieu of gifts, I have made a donation in each of your names to the Brooke Peterson Kick-Ass Shoe Fund. It is a charity that is near and dear to me, and I know you are all touched by my thoughtfulness and generosity. Just kidding, you greedy little brats. As usual, I will be cutting corners to save money for my Gifts and Presents Fund, and that means a trip to the dollar store.

DON’T YOU JUDGE ME! Yes, it smells like formaldehyde.  Yes, I sometimes get a weird eye infection when I leave there.* No, the person behind the counter usually does not have a full set of teeth, or strong understanding of personal hygiene, but these are my people, the dollar store peeps, and I will not abandon them.

Seriously though, if you want to get more bang for your buck than a Vietnamese call girl, the dollar store is your sweet spot for saving money this jingle bell season, because you need extra everything.  Here are my dollar store must-haves, table tips, and party favors… If you are going to risk an eye to save a buck, you better make it count.

1. This is the place to get all the crap that your neighborhood grocer enjoys bending you over and sticking it to you: Paper towels, extra t.p., clean-up supplies like Windex and Ajax… The only thing to stay away from is the garbage bags, because they are so weak that Mary Kate Olsen’s appetizer plate would cause them burst open.

2. Grab as many candles as you can afford, and at a dollar a piece, that should be plenty. You will use them as them all season, and when guests come over, as it is quicker to light a few candles than to run out for flowers.

3. Dishes. Sounds weird but these guys have gold chargers, porcelain bowls, wine glasses, etc. Look through your stock at home and see where you are sparse. Rule of thumb: I only buy white dishes, clear glass wear, and everything else in mixable colors like gold, silver, and taupe. It helps things look like they match even when they don’t. Plus, someone always ends up tanked and breaking shit, and if the victim dishware is not part of a set, it makes me less likely to act violently.

4. Centerpieces can be done here on the cheap. As a general rule, I only buy foodstuffs for display from here, but they do cheap bags of lemons, oranges, and cranberries for simple and chic pieces. I also like to do giant bags of colorful dollar store candy to place in large glass containers on the kids’ tables at holiday events. Have containers on hand to turn said candy display into take-home party favors.

5. I have found that giving gifts in bags from the Hustler store takes away from the “specialness” of the season. You can load up on wrapping supplies at the dollar store and keep them in a drawer… Viola, girl has herself a holiday wrapping center!

6. Last but not least, this is where you should pick up all those pesky little ball ornaments that break EVERY DAMN YEAR! They add pizzazz to your holiday decor, and when they are this cheap, you can come up lots of fun way to display them!

That’s a nice starter list for you bargain hunting bitches. See ya tomorrow, same time, same place… unless I find something better to do.

*To be fair to the store that has given me so much at such a discount, I have a bad habit of rubbing my eyes and only a total freakin’ moron goes with in 100 yards of that place with out industrial hand sanitizer. I learned my lesson on the 3^rd infection. I ain’t one of those ‘quick learners.’

It is the circle of life, and for the turkey, it is coming to a close. I feel for you, my friend, as I am mostly appreciated for my breasts as well. It’s a tough calling card but someone has to do it. LET’S BAKE A BIRD.

For Da Bird!!!

Allow one pound per person plus 2, which will give you a decent amount of leftovers. So for this 10-person extravaganza, pick your turkey-toting ass up a twelve-pounder.

-2 cups orange juice

-3 cups of beer…I like a nice hiefeweisen

-12 pound turkey

-1/2 cup honey

-1/2 cup butter…this is NO time to count calories… get on board fatty

-2 cups of fresh herbs (I usually do rosemary, sage, mint and basil)

-I whole head of garlic chopped in half

-1 orange cut in quarters

-1 lemon cut in half

Seasoning Mix

- 2 tablespoons salt

- 3 tablespoons brown sugar

- 2 tablespoons course black pepper

Assuming your bird is of the frozen persuasion, you need to put it in the fridge right now!!! It takes two days to defrost that portly little 12-pounder (basically 24 hrs per 5 pounds). Put it in a basting pan to catch any liquid… Unless you are planning on giving salmonella as a party favor, LEAVE THE PLASTIC WRAP ON. Once Big Bird is defrosted, you are ready to begin.

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees.

2. Check to make sure oven is preheated to 325… At least one time in your domesticated life you will forget to turn on the oven so walk your sexy self back over there and check the freakin’ ON switch!

3. Remove your bird from the plastic and clean out all the insides. Some people keep these and cook with them. Totally foul if you ask me. Toss those turkey guts.

4. Marinate the turkey in the beer and orange juice for an hour. Save one cup of the marinade.

5. Place turkey into roasting pan and stuff with the herbs, lemon, orange, and garlic.

6. Coat the outside of the turkey generously with butter and then drizzle with honey.

7. Sprinkle with all the seasoning mix and make sure that baby is well coated.

8. Pop it in the roasting pan and add the marinade juice to the bottom.

9. Cover with heavy duty aluminum foil and bake for an hour and half.

10. Remove aluminum foil and baste with juices in the pan and cook for another hour and half.

11. ALWAYS let turkey stand for at least 20 minutes before carving

Look who just made a turkey!!! Call your mother-in-law and tell her you CAN cook and that you are NOT a cheap tramp! Ok well at least tell her you can cook.

Even though my site is called Things Your Mother Never Taught You, I have to admit that I learned almost everything I know from my mother. Wait, that’s not true. I learned how to do everything ‘the right way’ from my mother. I would then take said lessons and cut every possible corner from time to money, and do it the ‘Oh (insert sigh here) Honey’ way. I once pulled out hot glue to hem my pants, and by her reaction, you would’ve thought that I’d tied off and shot myself up with heroine while simultaneously making internet porn and clubbing baby seals.

That being said, even she had some tricks to getting your festive on for the holidays without climbing a god damn ladder or using anything inflatable resembling a turkey, pilgrim, or a cornucopia (which, let’s just be honest, always ends up looking like a penis with a spray tan that curves slightly to the left.) One of my Mom’s signature moves was decorating with candlelight. I think our Mormon neighbors thought we were holding a seance every time T-day rolled around. Which, in my mother’s own words, “is fine because people who don’t believe in happy hour are not to be trusted.” On both points, I agree with mama… Yes to candles, yes to happy hour.

Here are my Mom’s best tips and rules for lighting up your pied-à-terre. In the words of my utterly fantastic mentor and mother, Roma Peterson, who is no longer with us, “Look alive baby girl! This is the fun stuff!”

These are Roma’s Rules:

1. People focus on the entryway to your house, and on the dining table. Start at the entryway with luminaries. Grab a handful of lunch bags and fill the bottom of each one with an inch of sand. Place a tea light inside and viola you got yourself a fancy lit up walk way. Do not be a moron and put these inside unless you want to your casa to go up in flames.

2. In the entryway, if you want something singular with a lot of ‘Wow’ factor, try doing glass containers filled with water and floating candles. If you can’t find floating candles, you can float regular pillar candles in cranberries.

3. Tabletops are always best done with candles with two reasons:  First, everyone looks better by candlelight. Some people should never be shown in high definition T.V., and the same applies for the halogen lighting in your dining room. Your Aunt Kate’s ‘natural lip enhancement’ will still look like Lisa Rinna after a hard night, but it will be more bearable in the amber glow of candlelight. Trust me. The second reason for candles on the table is that they make unbelievable chic and cheap centerpieces. Some of my favorite ways to use them: Write letters on them for sayings, hang them from branches in small mason jars, and tuck tea lights into fruits and pumpkins.

It’s the Final Countdown… Dunna na na Da da da da da… Final countdown… It’s a week away! It’s a week away! It’s a week away!

THANKSGIVING!!!!

I am not spending it with my family so I can leave the valium and vodka at home. Or, at least the valium. I am, however, spending it with my partner-in-crime’s gianormous Jewish family. They’re not what you would call the Q.W.T. (quiet waspy type). And, since I am an overbearing Jewish mother’s worst nightmare (blonde, big rack and even bigger mouth… oh yeah, and a shiksa), I am going to be extra helpful on Thanksgiving, which works out well because I have Thanksgiving down to a science… a drunken, lethargic, tryptophan-induced, ‘God I will never eat this much again, OK just one more slice of pie’ science.

So, I thought for the next week here on Things Your Mother Never Taught You we would do a one week prep for the food superbowl otherwise known as Turkey Day.

Since we are a week out, today is going to be all about getting your bar in order. Why? Because liquor doesn’t go bad, and if your food goes to shit you can just over pour the cocktails until your uncle Bob starts getting handsy. Seriously Bob. It’s not ‘ok’ in Arkansas.  Put the mulled wine down and learn to hug appropriately.

At the seven-day mark in the T-Day countdown, this is the perfect time to make your infused vodka and for next week. I think that Cranberry Vodka sets the tone, plus it looks spectacular. Here’s what you have to know:

1. Grab 2 bags of cranberries, 1 pound cubed pineapple, and 2 quartered oranges and toss those puppies into your glass jug (use one with a spigot like the one pictured here.)

2. Dump two liters of cheap vodka on top and toss thee lid on thee jar. I like to play Russian techno music at this part and pretend to be a wild Ukrainian supermodel at secret underground dance club/distillery but it’s not really necessary for the vodka… More of a personal thing!

3. Put it on a counter out of direct sunlight and forget about it until next Thursday!

Your task today is done, you domestic goddess, you. Just follow my lead and we will have you all set for your day of thanks… You can thank me later.

P.S. Thanks to everyone who watched Rachael Ray yesterday. I made it five whole minutes on national T.V. without saying something inappropriate! Way to go BrookieP, way to go.

Hold on to your Santa hats, folks… Someone allowed me on national television. So today on Rachael Ray you can catch me giving Holiday tips and tricks, and here’s one of my favorites.

For those of you who are little short on holiday decorations, you can let those annoying ‘oh my god look at how cute we are in our matching sweaters’ card people make themselves useful.

1. Grab some string, ribbon, or twine and tie it between two objects at least a 1 ½  feet apart. I like festive vases. Or tie it from end to end of your fireplace mantle.

2. Pick your bad-ass holiday decorating self up some clothes pins (laundry aisle of the grocery store) and put some ‘jazz hands’ on ‘em. Which basically means, glue whatever you’ve got on hand to the top of the clothes pin. I like the little blue snowflakes pictured here because a retarded monkey could cut them out of any paper you have on hand. But, of course, feel free to go wild. This project is an acceptable time to bust out the glitter. On a side note if you are a stripper anytime is an appropriate time to bust out the glitter… Every job has it perks, ladies!

3. Clip cards to your clothesline. Only put up the attractive people though. What? Too far? Nope. Just right.

Hope ya’all catch the show today and thanks in advance for all the nice flowers, notes, cards, chocolates, subscriptions to the Wine of the Month Club, and envelopes stuffed with cash that you sent as congratulatory gifts.

Things Your Mother Never Taught You

1. 1. In life, cooking is optional, eating is not. If you lose your take-out menus, grab a recipe from Eat Me to ease your hunger pains.
2. 2. Saturdays are for parties or hangovers… I am a fan of both. Check out the weekly post under Saturdays for ways to do it all.
3. 3. Kim Kardashian’s ass is available without a gym membership… just clickety-click on Do Me.
4. 4. What you wear—and how you live—should be a matter of taste, not budget, ’cause money does not buy taste… does it, Ms. Hilton? Try Wear Me or Live in Me to put this nugget of wisdom to the test.
5. 5. Food should be Cheap N’ Easy like Carrie Prejan (I do, however, believe in a food’s right to marry a food of the same sex, just for the record.) I show you how to make meals for 5 bucks, in 5 minutes with 5 ingredients on our web show Cheap N’ Easy.
6. 6. Cocktails should be made in bulk. There is no joke here—some things are too serious to mess with. On your way to Costco to pick up tequila, check out Drink Me for my must-know mixology.
7. 7. If you don’t have something nice to say, it is probably damn funny.  If I don’t have something nice to say it will be damn funny and WILL appear in my weekly column called Yeah, I said It.
8. 8. There are some very wise women out there, including mothers other than yours. Let some of the smartest, coolest women I know—and some I’d like to know, like Maria Shriver and Michelle Obama—offer up some sage advice under Wise Women.
9. 9. It’s totally acceptable not to read ‘real stuff’ like newspapers and books. But if you decide you want to absorb a little sumthin sumthin in the way of literature (by my definition, anyway) check out Read Me.
10. 10. There are tricks that can make any woman look like a chef,   decorator, party planner, fashionista, and overall pulled-together grown-up… and I can teach a little something about the first four! Use Tips & Tricks as your cheatsheet to fake you through it, my dear.

So come on in, take off your shoes, browse around, and root through my drawers like you do when your man’s in the shower. You will read about everything on our top ten list, plus I’ll teach you how to get an entire room full of people drunk for less than the cost of dinner and a movie. What more do you people want from me?!? Free martinis for every registered subscriber? Yeah, I thought of that too, but apparently that’s not what they call ‘advertiser friendly.’ 

I hope you all find something to take away and something to bring you back.

Love ya’all like a fat kid loves cake… Cheers!

Brooke Peterson

It’s true, black is the new black. Every ‘it girl’ on the planet seems to be bitch-slappin’ some noir lacquer up in their abode. It has always been against the rules to paint interiors black because ‘Franz the decorator’ said ‘but darling it makes the space seem teensy weensy.’ Well, guess what Franz? Apparently you can suck it because it doesn’t make spaces seem small and claustrophobic—it actually makes it them feel cozy and sexy. I like it in unexpected places like the bathroom or kitchen a la Kelly Werstler. For those of you who want to dip your toe in the can, as they say, try it above your fireplace for a trial run.